How to choose between your wife or affair

Should I stay or should I go? This is what you may be asking yourself if you are involved in an extramarital affair. Should I stay with my wife, or should I leave her and make a commitment to the Other Woman? Well, first of all, I would like to congratulate you for at least taking the time to think about it, and to consider the feelings of both women. Yes, I know, there are plenty of others who would be quick to beat you up for being in such a situation to begin with. But you and I both know that affairs of the heart are not so easy to dictate – you can’t always make sure your feelings are in line with the dictates of either morality or expedience. When it comes to love, you really do need to follow your heart – it’s just not always easy to tell what your heart is saying to you, is it?

I know there are many who will not agree with me when I say this, but I have to say that honesty really is the best policy. Does your Other Woman know about the wife? If it is a full-blown affair you’re having, then of course she has to – unless you’re an expert liar or you’re dealing with a really, really stupid woman. But if your affair is following the classic pattern, mistress knows all about wife (or at least that there is one) but wife is unaware that there is a mistress – or perhaps she strongly suspects but is looking the other way. Well, ask yourself, are you being fair here? You claim to love one woman, and yet you are living a lie with both of them. If you love your wife, how can you keep such a large part of your life hidden from her? And if you love your girlfriend, how can you keep her hidden from the rest of your life? Your wife deserves the truth, and your girlfriend deserves to be acknowledged in front of friends and family and everybody.

But won’t this turn into a great big disaster? Won’t everything blow up in your face? Well…maybe. Maybe not. But it’s the only way to really level the playing field – let your wife know what your girlfriend knows, and let your girlfriend be known as your wife is known – as part of your life, not a shameful secret. Shame should not even be a part of this equation! Yes, I know, I’m bucking all of society’s rules by so stating. But look at the numbers – half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those half that stay together, some 75% of partners (both male and female) acknowledge straying from time to time. So this leaves, what, only 12.5% of the population that long-term monogamy actually works for? Perhaps it’s time we make some new rules, and the first rule I propose is NO SHAME. And the second one, of course, or perhaps it should be first, is BE HONEST WITH EVERYONE.

And then what? What happens if you ever summon up the courage to tell your wife, and everyone else? Well, for one thing, you’ll find out who your true friends are…and this includes your wife. Your girlfriend has been in this relationship all along knowing she doesn’t have exclusive rights to you, but she loves you enough to hang in there and take you on your terms. Will your wife say the same thing? Or will she scream for a divorce? If she wants one, there, your decision’s made, let her go. Yes, it will cost you, both emotionally, and financially, and if you have kids they will be caught up in it as well. But staying together for the kids never works, kids can tell when parents are miserable together, an honest divorce is far better than an unhappy marriage based on a lie. And if you stay together for economic reasons…well, doesn’t this make you little better than a male prostitute? And if you truly care about your wife’s happiness – well, if your wife wants out now that she knows the truth, she will certainly end up much happier than if you kept on deceiving her and she stayed in a relationship based on lies.

But what if your wife doesn’t want a divorce? Will she accept things as they are, or ask for an open relationship? If the latter – well, you pretty much have to say yes. No double standards. Even if she says she doesn’t want another man, though, and she’s willing to fight for you or share…well, you just have to see how things go, take it from there. But at least in this scenario everyone has all the information, and this is really the only way to come to an arrangement where everyone is treated as fairly as possible. Could be you end up with two happy women, could be two unhappy ones. (Isn’t this pretty much the case now? At the very least you’ve got one unhappy one and one duped one.) Or could be you end up with just one of these women – whichever one chooses to stay with you. (If you can’t make up your mind, the least you can do is to let them do it.) Or maybe you will end up with no-one at all, and have to start all over again – or perhaps learn to be content on your own. This is a risk everyone takes on entering into any kind of relationship. But you’re the one who got yourself into this situation, and being a man and telling the truth is the only way you have to make it better for everyone.