While her husband was away, Kate had to deal with being mother and father to their two children, aged 6 and 4, as well as sorting out the family finances and “trying to be in six places at once most of the time”. When he got back, she expected life to go back to normal. “But it took a while for us to resettle - so much happens over six months that you've got a lot to catch up on.”
This is a familiar scenario to me. My husband is also in the Army and, while mine is safely serving in London at the moment, I also had to deal with him returning from a two and a half month trip abroad, for which he left just four weeks into our marriage.
Having him back was wonderful, but an adjustment to say the least. While I had spent the previous two months turning our revamped flat into a cosy home, when he returned, he no longer knew where the cutlery was kept or where to find the wine glasses. Sometimes, it felt like having a visitor in the house.
This week, General Sir Richard Dannatt, the Chief of General Staff, said he was aware that many Service marriages were failing because of the stress caused by long periods of separation. As a result, he said, the Army plans to restructure, so that soldiers will have a break of 30 months between tours. Kate and I are far from alone in struggling to readjust: a recent survey carried out by the MoD found that 70 per cent of spouses said that military operations in the past two years have had a negative impact on their relationships.
Some couples have had to face frequent tours to war zones, with just a few months off in between. That has been the case for Alex, 35. Her husband was sent to Afghanistan in August 2007 for six months, when their daughter was just a year old, then returned for a few months, before being sent on a six-month posting to Iraq in November last year.
“I try not to think about what he's doing, although I did watch Panorama when he was in Afghanistan, to visualise it, but I didn't go beyond that, because once you do that you've lost it,” she says. Now, as a way of coping, she sets herself a goal each time he's on tour. “I need an aim - such as running a marathon or learning a language - for my self-esteem, otherwise my life would be on hold.”
For army couples still struggling to cope, however, help is at hand. One British army major and his wife, who live on a barracks in Paderborn, Germany, have developed a couples counselling programme “Coping with Times of Separation”, aimed at helping the many thousands of couples who face regular long periods apart. The session will be officially attached to the “Marriage Course”, a free, eight-week programme “designed to help any married couple build a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime”.
Rhett and Liesel Parkinson, who dreamt up the idea of the session on separation, ran the Marriage Course several times on their base, but were regularly asked whether they could deal specifically with the problems faced by couples in the Army - not least how to deal with regular time apart.
The course was established in 1996 by Nicky and Sila Lee, a vicar and his wife based in London, and now runs in 70 countries, held anywhere from churches to private homes. So far, 102,443 couples in the UK have completed it and later this year a new DVD featuring the Parkinsons' session will be available worldwide. “People asked ‘how do we keep our marriage alive when one of us is constantly away?'” says Liesel. “We felt that it was a really important issue, something so central to Army life that it needed addressing.”
The Parkinsons understand these difficulties themselves - 15 years of marriage has meant many foreign tours. “The few weeks before Rhett went to Bosnia for the first time were horrendous,” says Liesel. “We had lots of rows and things were just awful - I couldn't wait for him to go. On the day that he left, I got very upset. And as soon as he'd gone, I felt so much better. He thought I was like that for the next six months.”
The Parkinsons' session addresses these issues - from how to deal with anticipating the departure (a period marked by increasing tension), to how to renegotiate a marriage once the spouse is back, when couples are together physically, but not necessarily emotionally. Couples learn that it is normal to feel relief after a spouse has left, and that anticipating a return can be a time of mixed emotions. “You go through these feelings and you think, what is wrong with my marriage?” says Liesel. “For somebody to say this happened, and to realise that it's not just me, is one of the strengths of the session.”
The week-long module, like the rest of the course, is an informal mixture of listening to the couple leading, watching videos of other couples and one-to-one discussions. It draws on the work of the American psychologist Kathleen Vestal Logan, a navy wife who has identified seven emotional stages of deployment (see below).
Couples have the opportunity to discuss how separation has affected their marriage, what they expect when a separation is imminent and how to protect their marriage from temptation. There is also practical advice, such as what to do when the boiler blows up. “It's training for something you've never been taught to do,” says Patrick Brown, 41, a major in the Royal Engineers, based in Shrivenham, Wiltshire, who completed the course with his wife Jenelle, 40. “We did it just before I went to Iraq and it did prepare us; we didn't have all the normal tension.”
It was particularly useful as it was the first time that Patrick was leaving Jenelle with their sons, 9 and 5. “The responsibility was significantly higher,” he says. “The worry of going to a war zone as a father...it's not what you got married to do. But I deployed feeling happier after the course. Things get on top of you and it doesn't matter how much training you've had, but I think that we were better prepared. We realised, not only was it manageable, but we were going to come out the other side.”
For those who face regular times apart, the pressure is huge. “There can be jealousy and insecurity,” says Paula Hall, a counsellor with Relate. “A lot of men are putting in phenomenal hours and feel as though that's perhaps not appreciated or understood. And because they're not having the catch-ups every day, they can lose perspective on each other's worlds.”
In fact, although General Dannatt has a point about the psychological impact of separation, in some ways, Forces families have it relatively easy. The Army does provide free counselling with Relate (although only in Germany is every session free - in the UK, families get one free meeting and have to pay for subsequent sessions), as well as guides on what to expect. Forces families also have access to “e-blueys” (a special form of mail), “e-faxes” and “e-photos”, as well as 30 minutes of free telephone calls a week to anywhere in the world. That has not always been the case. Anne, 65, a former army wife, remembers that during the 1970s, there was little help. Almost all advice came in visits from the families' officer and well-meaning but untrained officers' wives, and there was no marriage guidance. “It was run on incredibly old-fashioned lines. There was very little welfare then,” she says. “But the big difference was that most of us weren't working, so we were there for each other, because we moved on average every 15 months so we never had time to get a job.”
Even if army wives can cry on each other's shoulders, however, and send “e-blueys”, often that's not enough. Relate has seen a 30 per cent increase in counselling hours on last year on this issue; counsellors working in Germany have identified increasing communication problems - affairs, heavy drinking and depression.
Of course, it is particularly hard when children are involved. “The children can start to take the role of supporting parents,” admits Ruth Burley, 38, a doctor whose husband is a GP in the Army, and who has five children, aged 5 to 18. “They have to take on the responsibility - because there are times when I've just cried because the washing machine's broken, the car's broken down and the dishwasher's broken - all in one weekend.” Even when she's in charge, it can be a nightmare. “When the kids are ill there's no one who's going to come home at night and say ‘I will take over for a bit'.”
Burley and her husband are based abroad, which makes it even harder. “You can't just get on a train and go home for a weekend - getting home becomes a major feat,” she says. “And you don't even have your friends network because you're surrounded by army families.”
Sometimes the burden of separation becomes too much. For John Turner, who works offshore in the oil and gas industry and was previously in the RAF, the regular time apart spelt the end of his marriage. “I left the Air Force because Jayne didn't like it,” says John, 37, who has two children with his ex-wife. “But I'm an engineer - I can't sit in an office. When the job offer came through, I had to make a quick decision. The Armed Forces aren't the best payers, and when somebody throws a lot of money in your face, you take it. In hindsight, I should have tried to find a job closer to home.”
Of course, long periods of separation aren't just the preserve of Armed Forces families. For any couple coping with long-term separation, communication is key. “Both partners need to agree that this is the lifestyle they want to lead,” says Paula Hall. “Plan your time together as much as you can. And talk about your expectations to make sure they are realistic.”
Is separation in a relationship always a bad thing? Not necessarily - the old adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has a certain truth. “It's not hearts and roses when he's away - but he makes up for it when he's back,” says Kate. “We try to go away for a weekend without the children, and then I remember why I married him.”
The emotional cycle of deployment
Stage 1: Anticipation of loss
Typically occurs four to six weeks before the partner leaves, and is a period marked by increasing tension - which allows emotional distance between the two.
Stage 2: Detachment and withdrawal
Happens in the final days before departure . Couples feel that they should be enjoying the last few days but feel a sense of despair and hopelessness. Sexual intimacy can be difficult, and partners often feel that they want to get on with the leaving part.
Stage 3: Emotional disorganisation
The first six weeks after departure. Initial sense of relief, followed by guilt, numbness, aimlessness and loss of purpose for the one left behind. New routines must be established - feelings of being overwhelmed and difficulty sleeping/excessive sleep are common. The deployed partner feels loneliness and frustration.
Stage 4: Recovery and stabilisation
The partner at home starts to cope, and adopts the role of “single spouse”. New freedoms emerge, stress levels drop and the separation becomes bearable.
Stage 5: Anticipation of homecoming
Happens up to six weeks before homecoming. Can be a time of mixed emotions, such as apprehension or excitement. Those returning may be worried how they will be accepted. Restlessness and confusion may occur.
Stage 6: Renegotiation of the marriage
Occurs up to six weeks after reunion. Couples are together physically, but not necessarily emotionally. Some left behind may feel a loss of freedom and independence. There may be feelings of being disorganised and out of control. Sexual relations may seem frightening. Couples need time together to become reacquainted before they can expect true intimacy.
Stage 7: Reintegration and stabilisation
Happens six to 12 weeks after homecoming. New routines have been established, spouses feel relaxed and comfortable together again.
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