What to tell friends and famililies when your marriage fizzles

If the path to divorce unfolds before you, there will be many details to attend to and people to inform. Friends and family members who perhaps attended your wedding may be sad or disappointed to hear about the impending divorce. Here are a few ideas for sharing the news.

1. Keep it low key. While some ex-spouses throw a party or send announcements with the news of their new post-marital status, it may be prudent to take a subtle approach. If anyone asks in the period leading up to a divorce decision, you can always say something like, "John and I are struggling through some difficult challenges. I'll let you know how it turns out." Once the decision has been made, however, your response will differ: "John and I have agreed to divorce. It's a difficult decision, and we are trying to resolve our disputes in civil fashion."

2. Avoid blaming your ex-spouse. Even if the other person is more to blame, you may want to take the higher road of character and simply say, "Unfortunately, we could not reconcile our differences. We hope to maintain a civil working relationship for the children (or until the property has been divided)." Of course, people who are especially close may know more of the truth, and you may discuss the circumstances more frankly. But for general information purposes, a neutral tone and objective facts are the safest and noblest route.

3. For special relationships, you may want to invite a friend or relative over for dinner or coffee and make a private announcement away from others. A quiet setting away from distractions or eaves droppers will provide opportunities for questions or discussion.

4. Be sensitive with former in-laws or your ex-spouse's friends. Using emotionless language places emphasis on the facts rather than details. This will help everyone accept the news quickly and without blaming either partner.

5. Tell your ex what you plan to do. You may want to rehearse a sentence or two in advance of telling anyone. Let your ex-spouse know of your plans so that adjustments can be made if necessary. For example, instead of saying "Our divorce is final in November; I'm not sure what John's plans are," you can say this: "Our divorce is final in November; John mentions moving to Harrisburg next spring." Of course, the "announcement" will depend in part on your relationship with an ex-mate and the information that both of you are willing to share about the other.

6. Make it simple. Follow the old adage, "Least said, soonest mended." Don't go on and on about the damaged relationship or your poor opinion of an ex-mate, which can leave hearers feeling uncomfortable or awkward. Focus on your personal need for self-improvement or hopes for the future.

While divorce can claim a family as victims, the circle need not extend to extended family or friends. Respectfully informing them of your new or expected status will prepare people as to future invitations or addressing holiday mail. Letting others know of your changed marital standing should be a courtesy, not a burden.