Should You Date Your Friend's Ex?

In affairs of the heart, there are only a few hard and fast rules. Dating your friend's current spouse or significant other is a definite no-no. But what about getting with your friend's former flame?
After all, what happened between those two is history. We're all mature, independent adults so it really shouldn't matter if you want to go out with someone who just happens to be your friend's ex.
But it does matter, relationship experts say. The decision to date a friend's former lover falls into that romance gray zone, and unfortunately, there are no easy answers.
For purists like Denene Millner, Thou shalt not date thy friend's ex is the 11th commandment. No exceptions.
"It seems unfair to deny yourself love, but isn't friendship love, too?" asks Millner, co-author of What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know: The Real Deal on Love and Relationships. Millner, who responded with an emphatic NO! on this issue, explains that dating a friend's past partner is a bad idea because it can bring tension into the friendship and can possibly destroy it.
"Inevitably the friend who was dating that person first will have a problem with it because now her best friend is dating someone she doesn't like," she says, "or she may still like the guy and it wasn't her decision to end the relationship. So it's sour grapes all around."
Millner says that even if your friend says that she or he is OK with the idea, problems are bound to occur. "The moment she or he sees [the ex] with the friend, there's bound to be memories, jealousies, baggage that doesn't need to be there," she says.
Other experts take a more moderate stance on this sensitive subject. They say that while problems can occur, they don't have to if all involved are on the same page.
TaRessa Stovall, who co-wrote A Love Supreme: Real-Life Stories of Black Love with her husband, Calvin, believes it is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with your friend while dating his or her ex, but only if "they are really exes, both are healing or have healed from the relationship and moved on, if there aren't unresolved issues between them and if it's really clear that they don't want to be together and nobody involved is trying to prove a point or hurt someone."
Stovall, who is also a communications consultant in New Jersey, bears witness that it can work since she herself had a girlfriend who wanted to date her ex-boyfriend. In fact, she even encouraged the romance.
"I liked her style in how she came to me with it, very much girlfriend to girlfriend, respectful and warm," Stovall says of her friend. "Because it was a new friendship, she earned a lot of points and it bonded us."
In certain circumstances, dating a friend's ex can be acceptable. Yet if you decide to pursue your burgeoning romance, there still is a protocol to follow.
First and foremost, be upfront and honest with your friend about your intentions. Experts agree that the worst thing you can do is to let your friend discover your romance with the ex through the grapevine.
"It's not about getting permission since everybody's grown and folks are going to do what they want to do," Stovall says. It's about respect for everyone's feelings.
So you bring it to your buddy and find that your friend is less than enthusiastic. Or even worse, your friend gives you an ultimatum: the friendship or the romance? Again, it's a tough call, experts say.
William July II, author of Brothers, Lust and Love, and Understanding the Tin Man, says he had to make this choice in his own life. In the end, he chose friendship over romance.
"I thought I was being completely honest and forthright about the whole thing by saying [my friend's ex] expressed some serious interest in me," recalls July, who says that his friend initially told him he didn't mind if July dated his ex, but then became upset by it. "He wasn't being honest with himself," July says. "So I let her go to save my friendship with him."
July says that many people, especially men, are very possessive when it comes to their exes, which can cause problems. "Men think once I date her, she's marked for me, period--that's ridiculous," he says. "That's why it's important to have closure in a relationship so you can move on in peace."
July says for him the choice of his friend over his friend's ex wasn't too hard since he and his friend's ex only went out a few times. "But if this is a really serious love affair thing, then you would have to follow your heart."
Dr. Larry E. Davis, professor of social work and psychology at Washington University in St. Louis and author of Black and Single: Meeting and Choosing a Partner Who is Right For You, agrees that you should only consider starting a romance if you believe the relationship has some serious potential.
"If this is just going to be a flash-in-the-pan, brief encounter, then I definitely would not do this," Davis says. "You are placing your friendship at risk."
If you decide to go ahead with the romance, experts say be ready for your relationship with your friend to change. You may not be able to or feel comfortable sharing private details of your love relationship with your friend or soliciting relationship advice since you both have someone in common. Or your friend may not feel comfortable hanging out with you and his or her ex.
"There will always be tension between the three of you, whenever you are together," says Dr. Davis, "because you're hoping some ghost from the past won't come up."
If you think it's worth the risk to get involved with your friend's ex, experts say please proceed with caution.
"I think unless you're very careful about it, you could end up in a crazy, nonproductive drama," Stovall warns. "It's like a minefield. You got the potential of stepping on some explosives, so consider your heart, your mind and your values. If you are forced to make a choice or if the circumstances arrive naturally, true love will not be denied."