The Number One Way to Stop Fights Fast

Next time you and your guy are having it out and he hits you with a ridiculous accusation (like "You never listen!"), take a deep breath before you answer.

Naturally, your instinct is to defend yourself: "I do too listen!" But arguing back this way only escalates the conflict, says David D. Burns, M.D., the author of Feeling Good Together. Instead, try agreeing with his criticism. ("You're right; I've been explaining myself instead of listening. What are you trying to tell me?") "Even if you don't see legitimacy in his words, remember that to him they are true," Burns says. "You can attack the part that seems unfair, or you can try to uncover the meaning behind his criticism so you can stop the problem in its tracks." Validating your partner's feelings defuses his anger — and makes him more likely to lower his defenses and own up to his role in the problem. Here, a few more responses that can cool you both down when things get heated:

He says: "Why do you always have to be right?"
You want to say: "But I am right about this!"
Instead try: "I see that you're trying to make a point too, and I haven't been listening. Let's start over — I want to understand what you're saying."

He says: "You're so stubborn!"
You want to say: "I'm stubborn? You're the stubborn one!"
Instead try: "I guess I've been focusing on my point of view, so you haven't been able to say your piece. Tell me how you see the situation."

He says: "Do you even care how I feel?"
You want to say: "Yes, but..."
Instead try: "Of course I do, and I admit that I haven't been tuned in to how you're feeling lately. I'm sorry."