Do You Need a Marriage Checkup?

You have an annual doctor exam to make sure your physical health is in order, but what about your marital health?Enter the Marriage Checkup Project, a program at Clark University that takes the pulse of a couple's bond. "Like a cavity that has a long developmental period, marital distress doesn't come out of nowhere," says James V. Cordova, Ph.D., program director and author of The Marriage Checkup. "The marriage checkup allows couples to catch marital cavities early on and take care of them." To conduct a marital checkup at home, Cordova recommends asking yourselves these questions:

Are we curious about each other — and do we express it?"No matter how long you've been together, you don't ever totally know your partner. Recognizing that wakes a couple up to the opportunity to reconnect," says Cordova. "Let yourself embrace your partner's mystery. Then you'll start paying attention and asking questions." The areas to explore are endless: What makes your partner happy? What values does he hold most dear? "Even asking him, 'What did you do today?' is powerfully enhancing to intimacy," says Cordova.

Do we each understand when the other needs advice versus simply needing support?"This is a frequent area of miscommunication between couples," says Cordova. "When one partner vents the day's frustrations, the other will often suggest solutions, but usually the first partner just wants empathy. It's hard to fault your partner for trying to help, but it doesn't always feel good — you want support, not the feeling that someone is taking away your power to solve problems." Next time you catch yourself slipping into problem-solving mode, practice active listening instead: Try to empathize with what your partner is saying and express understanding of what he's going through.

How's the sex?"There's a strong relationship between a couple's sexual health and the overall relationship health, so couples need to take deliberate care of their sex life," says Cordova. "Rather than letting sex become another 'when we get around to it' issue, you and your partner should carve out the time for sex and encourage each other to truly 'show up' for the experience." To "show up," Cordova suggests focusing on communication: Establish eye contact and let each other know what feels good. Even when you're feeling distant, these moves help you tap into your intimate connection.