Find Your One and Only Husband

If you're like me, you want to get married once and stay married 'til death do you part. If you feel ready for that kind of commitment, find out if he is. Don't let your starry-eyed notions and downright prejudices disqualify a worthy candidate! Study the nature of a man, and you'll suddenly see a lifelong husband where there was just a good guy before.

• Let go of all your preconceived notions about "your type" and other silly details. Don't like acne scars? Get over it. Have to have a man over 5" 10"? Get over it. Need a fantasy lover? Get over it. You and your husband will get older and then just plain old, affection will become more important than sex, responsibilities may become burdens--and that's when you want to make sure you have an excellent friend, confidante, and sweetheart to be an excellent friend, confidante, and sweetheart to.
• I'm assuming you're a woman of character, kindness, integrity, and commitment, someone who can face life's trials with patience and courage, who's ready to fall and get up again, to admit her own failings and forgive those of her husband (now's the time to ask: Are you? This is a lifetime marriage we're talking about, woman)..."husband material" is made of the same stuff. So analyze your motives thoroughly. What are the qualities he has that make you imagine spending your life with him? If good character, kindness, integrity, and commitment don't top the list, then you're on the wrong foot and need to demote him to boyfriend material--which is about more superficial things like his fun friends, sexy eyes, or comic timing.
• I cannot stress enough the importance of shelving all your romantic short-term excitement in favor of the practical, logical, long-range approach. Be extremely casual. Don't, I repeat don't, show any overt interest in him yet. You are the researcher now; he is the subject of your research. Find out if you share the same values. Taste in movies, music, clothing, and food are fairly unimportant. But what about spirituality, morality, and, yes, marriage? (Do I have to tell you that a man who has a weird or threatened reaction to the subject of marriage is probably not a good candidate?) What about subjects that would affect any children you have, such as education and social and personal responsibility? Avoid asking a man direct questions. Instead, try to engage him in conversation about current events, books, and movies. Let him talk, don't react emotionally, and only ask guiding questions. The freer you can make him feel to express himself, the more you'll learn about him.
• If only women would watch and listen more than they ask and talk, they'd have volumes of information about any man! So analytically watch and listen. How does he speak about the important women in his life: his mother, sister, grandmother, aunt? Even better if you can see him in action with them. This will tell and show you his ultimate attitude toward you. What is his attitude toward male authority figures--father, coach, pastor, professor? Men in conflict with men in authority can often have a hard time coping with situations where they feel they're being "told what to do," and this childish emotion can really add stress to a marriage. And it ought to be a red flag if he doesn't want to talk about his family: you, as his wife, would become his most immediate family, and if there's ever any trouble, guess who won't want to talk about it?
• Do you think you may want be fruitful and multiply? You can easily find out how he feels about babies and children without asking a single question. A man can say anything--but what does he do? Try to be with him someplace where children are around, such as parks, shopping malls, and fast-food places. Have lunch together and sit near a play structure. Then watch him. Does he seem amiable towards children? Does he seem to notice them at all? Do they ever make him smile or even laugh? Or does he act uneasy or even irritated by their noise and commotion? Does he go so far as to make hostile jokes or remarks about them? This would be the father of your children.
• How does he handle himself, his habits, and his money? This is unlikely to change--as a matter of fact, if it's bad, it will probably get worse. A lot of unhappy marriages could be avoided if people would be willing to take a situation to its logical conclusion. Never think for a moment that you will reform a drinker, a gambler, a glutton, a slob, a neatnick, a skirt-chaser, a spendthrift, a miser, or a workaholic. If he can't handle his money or impulses when he's single, it's going to be an ugly struggle once you're married and attempt to manage him. Some men are inspired to change when they get married...but far too many aren't. If it's something you decide you can tolerate living with, then accept it deep down, let it go, and never bring it up again. You had fair warning.
• If he's cleared all these hurdles, then it's time to open up to him. Start talking about yourself more, ask for favors, start staking more claims like choosing a restaurant or movie. Bring more of a balance into the companionship, and see how he responds. You have captured the attention of a wholesome and well-meaning man by using the simple arts of gentleness, interest, and intelligence--now it's time to find out if he truly wants a companion and friend, or just someone who'll listen to him carry on. But if he's made it this far, he's probably not that kind of man. And you, by patience and cool-headed reasoning, have helped to lay a foundation that can stand the tests of time. Enjoy the journey, and may your union be blessed!

Tips & Warnings

• Make up your mind right now that you will will treat this man, whoever he his, with total respect.
• Do your very, very best to avoid being aggressive or doing or saying anything that tears him down, belittles him, or makes him feel like a screw-up--ESPECIALLY in front of others.
• Listen to him thoughtfully, patiently, and make all your replies as kind as possible.
• Accept the truth and implication of "feminine wiles," however distasteful the phrase is. Men seem hard-wired to yield nicely to a gentle and respectful approach (don't we all?), and are more than willing to reason things out as long as they don't feel attacked.
• You will be the main beneficiary of your own kindness! I can't tell you how many wonderful men I've seen passed over.
• Let's face it, ladies, we can be selfish and shallow creatures sometimes. Do you know there is probably a man right now, a good and caring and honest man, who is just waiting for you to say the word? Do you even know it? Obviously I'm not talking about the creep or the stalker. Just a guy who seems really comfortable near you, always asks you how you're doing. He's the friend of a friend, the tech at church, the guy in your class, your cousin's brother-in-law...open your eyes--not to who YOU want, but to who wants YOU.
• Finally, be where the men are. Play co-ed sports. Take shop, engineering, and computer courses. Learn to fish, learn to surf, or become a barber or tattoo artist! Needless to say, the more long-term exposure you have to groups of men, the better your odds of meeting someone special.
• Keep your standards way up high, but be willing to fall from the height and climb back up! I found an excellent husband, because I had high standards for myself and for him. Do we fall and fail? Too often to count! Have we had awful times? An awful lot! But the foundation was there...the standards were there. We took our marriage vows under God, and we have stayed committed to them: "Therefore marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly..." Much of my advice is based on average North American men and women who have come into their maturity. To hold the average 18- or 21-year-old person to the behavior and standards laid out here would be ridiculous. College-age people might understandably be nervous about the subject of marriage and children, and really, many are just starting to know themselves! But a 30-year-old, even a 25-year-old? That's what I'm talking about.