How to End a Relationship

Being dumped is one of the most devastating things that happens in life. Therefore, one should always weigh the reasons for walking out, making sure of this decision before making it final. Once you are sure, though, it's important to remember that your soon-to-be ex was once your love. Although breaking this relationship off is certain to be painful, especially for the person being dumped, it's important to be respectful of the other person's feelings, and try hard to do as little damage as possible.

Steps

• Be certain you want to end the relationship. Don't use the threat of leaving as a tool to get your way in an argument. If you say it, be prepared to back it up with the action, or else take the threat off the table before you make it. Discuss problems openly and directly with your partner before you make up your mind. Many men and women suffer for years and never bring problems up with their partners. This isn't healthy. Feel free to seek couples counseling.
• Do not make your decision on your own or in anger. If you're angry enough to walk out, do it by saying, "I need to calm down. I'm going to go talk with someone for awhile. I will be back when I can be more reasonable." In other words, don't say, "I'm leaving," and walk out that minute. Get input from trusted friends. Parents usually have great insight.
• Choose your time wisely. Make sure that you choose a time and place that will allow for both you and the person that you are about to dump to allow for the time and privacy to do it properly. Don't break up with someone right before they have a big test or are about to go to work. Fridays are a kind choice as this will give your ex the weekend to recover somewhat. If you are in a hurry to leave the relationship (can't wait till Friday), tell our partner you need to take some time and are going to stay with a friend for a night or two.
• Do it! Don't be wishy washy, thinking to let the other person down "easy." Hold strong, you have already made your decision. This does not need to be a dramatic, escalating event. Ending a relationship on the phone is acceptable and even recommended in some cases. If your ex is prone to outbursts, violence, or manipulative behaviors, this is much safer and prevents the dumpee from the embarrassment of having you watch his or her torment.
• Prepare for the worst. The dumpee will typically react with anger or with wonder, shock, panic. If s/he responds with anger, try to remain calm and attempt to calm him/her. If s/he begins raging, it is pointless to try to explain further - but don't just hang up or walk away. Instead, say, "It's not productive to just yell at one another. I've made my decision, and I won't change my mind, but I will talk with you if you can remain calmer. Take some time to settle down, and then call me - we can talk again then." If there are questions, give honest and direct answers to those which will not pointlessly hurt the person. Lying will only frustrate your ex. If you are not ready to answer the questions, be honest and admit that you would like a few days before you answer. Set up an exact time for you to discuss what went wrong, and keep the appointment. In any case, you should not expect your ex to shrug and say, "Okay, I understand." and then kiss you goodbye and wish you well. The more shocking this is, the more extreme the reaction is likely to be, and you should have some compassion for the human condition, and prepare to allow your former love to react as a normal human being might. It may not be pleasant, but you owe your ex the courtesy of some honest answers, the kindness of just a little more of your time, and the dignity s/he deserves as a person who cares for you.
• Establish concrete boundaries for your future interaction. Once you have begun the process, be polite but firm about these boundaries, and make it clear that they are non-negotiable. Let him or her talk to you when YOU are ready. At the same time, it is important to allow your partner to find closure. Do not cut him/her off without a chance to discuss what went wrong unless s/he becomes hysterical and/or unresponsive (at which point, you must kindly and compassionately end the discussion and come back the following day or when you can to continue). Try to make the failed relationship as valuable as possible by turning it into a chance to learn and grow.
• Know when to walk away. One of the biggest mistakes made in ending a relationship is allowing the final death throes to go on and on. And on. And on. And on. It's one thing to finalize shared expenses, disentangle community property, etc. It's another thing to beat a dead horse endlessly. When discussions become circular - in other words, you just travel around and around the same points without coming to a point of resolution - stop. That's the moment to say, "I think we should continue this later, or not." and leave.
• Don't try to remain friends. If your ex says, "Can we still be friends?" Say, "No, we can't still be friends. But I think, if we really try, we might be able to become friends again in the future. For now, though, I think it's best we just let things end." If pressed, say, "Look, we started out as friends and went past that. To be friends, we'd have to go back, and frankly, I don't want to go back. We need to go forward now. That means we need to put some space between our broken relationship and any new relationship we might form. Let's take a break, take some time, and give each other the space we need to heal and move on. At some later point, when we meet again, we might be able to put our anger aside and be friendly. Let's leave it at that." Trying to "remain friends" is very tough, and it can really put the kibosh on any hope you have of salvaging a friendship in the future. The more you like your ex and believe that you really could be friends, the more strongly you should stick to your guns on this and cut it clean for the time being. Yeah, it hurts - it may hurt you, too. That's why you try to avoid breaking up.
  
  

Tips

• Don't raise your voice, even if the other person begins to yell. Try to keep calm and if it gets too out of control, just leave and let him or her cool down - but be sure you assure him/her that you will be willing to come back later, when s/he is calmer. Don't just say, "Oh forget it, I'm out."
• Comfort the person if he or she needs it, but don't take this too far! Voice your opinions if things are getting too uncomfortable or inappropriate. You don't want to be drawn down the same path that led you to this moment. Be compassionate, but be firm and cut the contact short if it seems to be escalating. If you are worried about leaving your ex alone, call a relative or friend of hers and let them know what has happened, explain where s/he is, and that you are concerned and know that it would help to have a friend/sister/etc close by. Apologize for the pain the situation has caused and thank them for their help, then cut that off, too.
• Don't make a long list of reasons as to why you are dumping him/her. Really analyze your reason for leaving, and boil it down to the essential problem: "We are not compatible enough in key areas," "I don't feel supported by you in my career path, and I don't want to change my path," "I want children and you don't," or other, similar, specific details. Don't argue about it or try to prove yourself, just stand by your decision.
• For a less direct approach, distance yourself over time - try not to be as touchy-feely with your partner. This might send the message the 'spark' is gone, and you want it to be over. It rarely works, however - usually, the other person senses the distance and attempts to repair whatever is causing the distance by hanging on to you even tighter.
• Spend some time apart for a while; and definitely give the other time to cope before they see you with another person. A minimum of one week is usually a good rule, but varies depending on how involved you were and for how long you dated. If you were together for a year or more, or if the breakup felt particularly intense, avoid "rubbing the other person's nose in" the breakup. Meaning, you avoid taking your new crush to places you used to frequent with your old crush. Be the bigger person, and allow your ex to keep as much of his/her old life intact as possible - you have moved on, and it was much easier on you. By allowing your ex to maintain touchstones to stability, you are taking the high road and allowing your ex to keep some dignity.
• Don't spark an argument or be confrontational if you can help it. If necessary, wait until everyone has calmed down to have the break up talk.
• Do not wait until after sex to break up with someone. It's hurtful and very selfish. Plus it's low-rent on your part.
• Trying to "Be friends" can prolong the agony. Most often, it is best to make a clean break and spend time apart. After a time, perhaps three months, perhaps a year or more, when you see one another, it won't hurt as much, and then you can try to be friends with a clean slate. Be sensitive and respectful about what your ex needs - s/he may need more time than you. If that's the case, don't just foist yourself on the ex.
• Don't play games or start ignoring the person before you break up with them. If you want it to be over you should break it off sooner than later.
  
  

Warnings

• Never make the other party feel totally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. Always name your shortcomings as well to make the decision a just one.
• Avoid giving the hope that it can continue. If you have made the decision to move on, then you must make that absolutely clear... if there is still something salvageable, then don't break up. Instead, focus on how you will work together to salvage the relationship. Breaking up should not be a threat or a way to get someone to change.
• In general: Don't send a note -- do it in person! Unless for some reason it is dangerous to do so, don't be a wimp. Suck it up and face your partner while you tell him or her.
• Don't back down if they begin to cry. Remember why you are doing this!
• Don't say "it's not you it's me"...that's offensive and trite, even if true.