Long distance relationships: the importance of frequent visits

Among the difficulties of a long distance relationship is the loss of physical intimacy. Emails may fill in the details of a partner's day, but they aren't always emotional or romantic.
Cards and letters may be more intimate, but they're not the same as having a real flesh and blood partner in your arms. Telephone calls may provide comfort from hearing a loved one's voice in real time, but they can also remind us of the distance that lies between the receivers. The only thing that seems to overcome the loneliness and isolation of a long distance relationship is a true physical reunion.

But how helpful are these visits, and do frequent visits really help a long distance relationship grow? Many couples separated for military or business reasons would say that few things replace the feeling of a visit from their loved one. The relationship was already strong when the separation took place, and finding a way to reconnect physically can take away many of the stressors separation often creates. Those who have anxieties over their partners' well-being are usually comforted by the opportunity to be with them in person. Things can be shared which remained unspoken in other forms of communication.

For healthy couples facing a temporary separation, frequent visits can be a very healthy way to maintain their relationship while circumstances keep them physically apart.
But not all long distance relationships are strengthened through frequent visits. Sometimes there are financial concerns which can cause friction- a plane ticket may be prohibitively expensive or the visits may cause a partner to lose valuable vacation benefits or wages. Others may fear that the visits are being prompted by irrational fears of infidelity or bouts of separation anxiety. A balance must be struck between the benefits of being with a separated loved one and the real life costs of those visits.

One important thing to keep in mind when considering the frequency of visits is the nature of the separation. If a husband or wife is called away to perform a specific duty for a company or the military, he or she may not feel comfortable with frequent visitors, no matter what the relationship may be. Sometimes the best thing to do is wait until a critical task has been accomplished before planning a visit. Celebrating a successful mission may be more beneficial than nervously awaiting the results of a test. Occasionally, some people may need some time away from their partners in order to focus more of their attention on the task at hand. The sooner they complete their assignment, the sooner they may return home. In this case, visits should be kept to a minimum until he or she feels comfortable with the company.

Some long distance relationships can indeed benefit from more frequent visits. Those serving sentences in prisons may look forward to weekly visits from their significant others. The visit itself may be the best part of their week and they would feel worse without it. Prisoners often feel tremendous guilt for putting their romantic partners in such difficult circumstances, so frequent visits can help assure them the situation is only temporary. College students living away from home can also benefit from frequent visits. Instead of just talking about 'the girl back home', a student can bring her to the campus and involve her in his new lifestyle. Girls facing separation from their hometown boyfriends may look forward to the occasional date. College students away from their significant others may not know how to handle the temptation of meeting attractive people in classes or other campus events. If the romantic bond between partners is strengthened by frequent visits, then it's much easier to deal with the pressure to explore other relationships.

The key word is 'frequency'. If the relationship is already strong and the conditions which caused the separation are indeed temporary, then there's little harm in a fairly frequent visitation schedule. After all, the separation period will eventually end and the relationship will no long be considered long distance. But some relationships may not be strong enough to support frequent visits. Sometimes couples meet under circumstances that are meant to be temporary, such as a convention or out-of-town business meeting. They may strike up a pleasant conversation about their mutual interests, which leads to a feeling of emotional connection. They may feel compelled to exchange phone numbers or addresses in order to maintain this sudden personal connection.

The problem arises when he lives in Boston and she lives in New York City. As promising as this chance encounter may have seemed, it may not be enough to pursue a substantial long distance relationship. Instead of taking expensive and lengthy train rides from Boston to New York City every weekend, it might be best to continue a truly long distance friendship for a while. Frequent trips to pursue a casual relationship may lead to obsessive feelings or painful misunderstandings. Allowing the relationship to grow naturally may be the healthier way to go with a new long distance relationship.