No one enters into a relationship thinking, A few years from now, we will have sex only as frequently as a total lunar eclipse. And it will be nowhere near as spectacular. Yet for a variety of reasons, on any given night, watching Keith Olbermann may feel more compelling than tearing each other's clothes off. Which is why you just might want to consider kicking Keith — and your television — out of your bedroom (more on that later). Sure, everyone's sex life waxes and wanes, says Terry Real, a family therapist in Boston and the author of The New Rules of Marriage, but a steep and permanent decline is not inevitable. And arresting that slide can be as simple as undoing some all-too-common sex don'ts. Check out these please-don't-go-there sex killers and see which ones (be honest!) could be cooling your jets.
Sex Don't 1: Peeing in front of your guy. You've never felt so comfortable with any man in your life. Fabulous. But just because you can leave the bathroom door open or bleach your arm hair in his presence doesn't mean you should. "Of course there are couples who fart in front of each other, and for them, it works," Real says. "Still, it's a good idea to be thoughtful and not too sloppy. Sloppy is domestic, like brother and sister. It's intimate, but it's not a turn-on." That means you should see a dermatologist about that cyst on your back instead of asking your partner to drain it, and if he begs you to come check out his massive achievement in the toilet (tempting though it no doubt is), refrain. It couldn't hurt to rethink that flannel granny nightie either, at least on the nights you hope to get lucky. "Dressing in a way that makes you feel unsexy means that your whole world is going to feel like that," says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex. In other words, when you're not feeling sexy, you throw on anything to go to bed, which makes you feel even less sexy. It ultimately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of unsexiness.
Sex Don't 2: Making your bed a zoo of stuffed animals. If Boo-boo and Lambie-poo hold the place of honor on your pillow, what you're saying is that the bed is for cuddling, not for passion. And a boudoir that's too frilly and fussy may not inspire either of you to action. "It says, 'I'm immature, a little girl, and therefore not sexual,'" says Keesling. You don't need to go floor-to-ceiling cheetah-print velvet, but something that says "meow" in the master suite is a must — whatever makes the space feel sensual to both of you. For starters, you'll need a bed that makes him want to toss you onto it. "You want to create an atmosphere of lovemaking that serves the two of you," adds Lana Holstein, M.D., founder of Intimate Growth Partners in Tucson. That's not to say the room can't have a somewhat feminine feel — it's an important refuge for you, after all — but it needs to feel grown-up and sexy to him too. (Hint: A little drawer filled with toys of the nonplush variety may be all it takes!)
Sex Don't 3: Leaving the TV on.Cuddling up, just you, him, and Mr. TiVo: What could be wrong with that? Nothing — it's just not particularly conducive to sex. Watching TV together is a side-by-side activity, not a face-to-face activity — you're more emotionally in tune with that hot plumber on Desperate Housewives than you are with the guy in bed next to you. In fact, an Italian study found that couples who have a TV in the bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't. "That energy of bringing the outside world into your intimate space diverts you from the sense of intimacy with your partner," says Holstein. "Our sex lives are held hostage by everything else in our lives — work, kids — so that intimacy is something you have to be consciously protective of." If you can't get the television out of the bedroom, she says, "At least put a scarf over it so you forget it's there."
Sex Don't 4: Using sex to get material goods, your way...or anything except sex. Many women have sex to get their guy in a good mood before they break the news that they just spent a fortune on a new handbag, or withhold sex until he agrees to buy them a new dishwasher or whatever. But this is a bad habit to get into, says Keesling. "When sex is doled out solely at your discretion, it creates a power imbalance in your relationship that can lead to all kinds of resentments." Plus, when you're acting as sex gatekeeper, you're probably too focused on your guy's punishment or reward to have a great time yourself. "Sex is about both of you having pleasure," Keesling says, "not just about your servicing him."
Most of us, of course, would never explicitly or deliberately say, "No nooky until you bundle the recycling." But sometimes it happens inadvertently: You get annoyed that your man hasn't taken out the trash — again! — and, as a result, you're not in the mood. If this pattern repeats often enough, in effect, you're withholding sex, either to get him to do some task or to punish him for not doing it. Of course, it's a lot easier to feel desire for a man who pulls his weight around the house, but still, "it's wrong to punish someone by withholding anything, whether it's a kind word, sex, or any kind of cherishing or nurturing," Real says. Instead, leave your baggage by the bedroom door, suggests Holstein. She advises literally putting a pad of paper by your bedroom door to jot down issues to be discussed later, so they don't pollute your lovemaking. "You want to be able to connect with your partner in a loving way, which will make your relationship even stronger," says Holstein. Besides, after some really good sex, you might not even remember that he forgot to put out the recycling.
Sex Don't 5: Faking it.He spent the better part of an hour getting a kink in his neck and...nada. You're tired. You're stressed. It's really not his fault, and it's tempting to squeak out a faux O. Don't. First off, faking is dishonest. What's worse, "It puts more space between you and your partner," Real says. And if you're faking your orgasm to protect your guy's ego, you're not only not having orgasms, but you're also doing extra work to make him think you are. "You've decided he's going to feel bad about the situation, so you have to soothe his ego before he even feels bad about it," Holstein explains. "It's a morass — you're doing his emotional work for him, and that's not your role in a partnership." At the very least, worrying about your guy's feelings at the expense of your own is definitely not a turn-on.
The ideal, of course, is to do what it takes to satisfy yourself. (A hands-on approach gives you what you need — ahh! — and gives him a tutorial he will thoroughly enjoy watching.) But for those times when it's just not happening, "it's better to say, 'Hey, I'm fine,' if you don't feel like working to have an orgasm," Real says. And if you wish you could have one, talk to him about why you think you're not — perhaps you're too tense or distracted, for instance. If you never climax, by all means, figure out the problem and deal with it. But faking gets you (and him) nowhere fast.
Sex Don't 6: Discussing your past lovers.Being honest in bed doesn't have to mean full disclosure. Even if your only purpose in mentioning other men is to prove how no one you've ever been with compares with the guy who's sharing your bed now, it's still wiser to leave your exes out of the conversation. Otherwise, your man is going to picture Daniel Craig tossing you on the bed and pleasing you in ways that he's never imagined. "Guys get insecure," Real says. "It's not so much that he's going to think you're a slut, but he's going to worry, Do I measure up?" And really, your guy prefers to believe (proof or no proof) that he's The Best Sex every woman he's ever been with — you, especially — has ever had. You don't have to be a Ph.D. in math to calculate that there's no way every guy could be The Best Sex every woman has ever had. You may have had one or two or 20 memorable moments before he came along, but keep mum about them: It doesn't hurt anyone and lets your man maintain his little rock-star illusion, which helps him stay confident. And sex with a confident man is usually a lot more fun than sex with one who is obsessing about how he stacks up against your ex. Keep your focus on him, and he'll keep his focus on you — and your important body parts.
If you do want him to try something that a past lover did, says Holstein, "say, 'I really like having this touched,' rather than 'I used to do this with so-and-so and really liked it.' We're all sensitive in that area — we like to be special, not just another person on a list."
Sex Don't 7: Being an alpha mom (but a zeta wife).You don't love your husband any less now that the baby is here — in fact, you may love him even more. But you wouldn't be the first mom to get so overwhelmed by the emotions involved in taking care of your baby that you've exhausted your nurturing quota at the end of the day. After being snuggled and drooled on all day long, you just don't feel like snuggling or being drooled on by anyone. Totally understandable, but that often means you start saying "no" to sex more often — perhaps so often that he stops asking. And that's not good for either of you.
To help your sex life survive the preschool years, keep in mind that while you don't have a finite amount of love to give, says Real, you do have a finite amount of energy. That's why it's important to make sure there's something left for you at the end of the day. If there is, you'll be far more likely to want to share that with your guy. "You need a break in the day when you go have a bath, read in the tub, have some alone time so you can recover your own connection with your body before you can expect yourself to go to him," Holstein says.
If setting aside this pre-sex prep time starts to feel like yet another task to accomplish when you're already overloaded, consider this: It's not all for him; it's about taking care of your own needs. "Don't frame it in terms of maintaining his satisfaction," Real says. "Frame it as: You're working to have a normal sex life, for you as much as for him." When you're giving of yourself all day long, sex with someone who is focused on your pleasure is a delicious way of recharging and feeling less mama bear and more hot mama.
Sex Don't 8: Treating him like a girlfriend. Think back to the last time you dragged your man shoe shopping and made him hold your coat and purse and "be honest" about a pair of pumps you were on the fence about. When you got home, did you want to tear his clothes off? Didn't think so. Just because you enjoy doing stuff like that with your friends and he's your best friend, it doesn't necessarily follow that he's the best person to do those things with. "You don't want to make your guy the only intimate avenue in your life," Holstein says. "You always want to have outlets with friends so you don't lose the sense of, This is my man."
Your sex life aside, the best reason not to expect your guy to be like your girlfriend is that he won't do a very good job of it. Not only will he glaze over like a doughnut when it comes to topics and details that your girlfriends eat up — "She was at the mall with who?" — but he's also not as naturally attuned to your need for empathy as they are. When he doesn't come up with an understanding response to your anecdote about how your annoying coworker interrupted you during that meeting, it'll be frustrating for both of you, and it certainly won't make you feel closer to him. If you can get some of your emotional connection from your female friends instead of relying on your guy for all of it, says Holstein, you may appreciate even more his ability to provide what only he can: his body, and its ability to make your body feel pretty darn good.
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