Trusting After an Affair

By definition, an affair is a serious breach of trust. Your partner promised to love, honor, and cherish you, and by cheating, they have seriously compromised these vows. But, marriages survive (and even thrive) after affairs every day. However, one issue in the way of this is restoring the trust. And, this is often a large, multi faceted issue. After all, your spouse has betrayed your trust and often tried to hide this fact from you. Most people's thought process goes something like this "if he successfully deceived me once, how can I ever possibly trust him ever again? What's to stop him from doing the same thing later?" These are completely reasonable questions that deserve an answer. However, countless men commit to saving their marriages and never cheat again, eventually becoming worthy of your restored trust. In this article, I'll go over what is often necessary to restore the trust after cheating.

Understand That The Trust Won't Return Over Night: I write about affairs from my own experience and people often ask me "what was the one thing that helped you get the trust back?" The answer is that there was not any one thing. Rather, it was a combination of several things that happened over time. Little by little, my husband began to show me that he was exactly where he said he was going to be and that he was alone. Over time, his patience, reassurance, and remorse began to become evident.
And, he was always willing to give me what I needed to help me heal (although I made the very grave mistake of not telling them what that was for way too long.) He was also willing to put in the work and the time that was necessary for us to pinpoint areas where we were vulnerable and fix them. And later, he went out of his way to rebuild something completely new and better so that neither of us had any reason to continue to look in the past.

Demand As Much Disclosure And Accountability As You Need: Some women don't want to know all of the details about the affair and some will accept nothing less. Your husband should be willing to offer up whatever it is that you need. (Now, to be fair, you shouldn't repeatedly harp on small issues about the affair that make no real difference and will only make you feel worse.)
It's very common to want or need to see cell phone records and credit card statements, and needing or wanting him to check in and / or forgo behaviors that aren't conducive to a committed, monogamous marriage. To restore and earn back your trust, he should be willing to do this for as long as it takes. (And, I often advise men to do this without ever being asked.)
A man who is working to restore his wife's trust should be willing to be responsible, accountable, and patient. Never should he in any way blame her for the affair. Admittedly, the reasons for cheating are always quite complex, and stem from areas where the marriage was vulnerable. But, the person who made the ultimate decision to cheat should absolutely take on the blame and responsibility for it. The contributing factors were there, but he is the one who chose to forgo trying to approach you to fix them and cheat instead. He should understand this and take complete responsibility for it.

He Should Be Willing To Pinpoint Why The Affair Happened And Make The Changes That Are Going To Reassure You That It Doesn't Happen Again: It's so important that you both understand why this affair happened and immediately make the changes needed to affair - proof your marriage. This is going to require brutal honesty and difficult conversations, but it's really the only way that you can make the safe guards necessary to ensure that you're not dealing with this again somewhere down the road.
Sometimes it's necessary that your husband changes bad habits (drinking, going out with bad influences, or engaging in risky behavior). Sometimes, he may need to change jobs. Sometimes, he may need to change friends (statistics show that many men who cheat have friends who do the same). Sometimes, he may need to address self esteem and doubt issues. He should be willing to do whatever is needed to remove any risk factors that are present in your marriage.

He Should Have Patience And Reassurance For His Wife: Despite the fact that you may really want to save your marriage, healing doesn't always come easily or quickly. One day you may feel a little better, only to find you are feeling rage, betrayal, and confusion a couple of days later. This is totally normal and your husband should understand this and be patient.
Reestablishing a trusting intimate relationship takes time as well. Sometimes, intimacy is hard for the wife as she imagines her husband being intimate with another woman (of course this is a major turn off.) Feelings of intimacy often return once trust is restored, but again, this takes time. You have to earn this back and it doesn't happen over night.
You will likely need a lot of reassurance, affection, and patience in the days to come. But, it's important that you understand that your husband can't read your mind. Many men hold back for fear or rejection, punishment, or coming off as "touchy feely" when it's inappropriate to do so. If you want affection and reassurance and aren't getting it, ask for it. Often, husbands want desperately to "do the right thing," but they aren't sure what it is. Telling them what you need isn't a step backward. It's ensuring that you get what you want.

Believe That Trust Can Be Restored: I hope this article has shown you that if, over time, you get what you need, and your husband continues to prove himself as trustworthy - eventually, little by little - you will begin to inch toward trusting again. And, as you do, the intimacy begins to come back so that one day, you'll find that you are looking forward rather than regressing back.