How to Get Over an Affair

I often write about surviving affairs (and restoring your marriage if that's what you want), and "how to get over an affair for good" is probably one of the most common questions that I am asked. It's so common that, even if the person who has been cheated on wants to forgive, move on, save the marriage or relationship, and put the affair behind them, it seems that there is always something lurking in the shadows that is going to remind you of the cheating and allow all of the feelings of hurt and betrayal to come crashing back. Sometimes, it feels that you work so hard to take three steps forward only to take four back - which leads many people to ask me "do you really ever get over an affair?" The answer is yes. But, it takes a bit of patience, work, and commitment to get there. This article will offer you tips, advice, and techniques to help you heal so that you can get over the cheating and the affair once and for all.

You Must Stop The Endless Loop Of Obsessing About All Of The Details Of The Affair And The Cheating: Here's what happens a lot of the time when you want to move forward after the cheating. Often, you are full of good intentions, but you just can't get the images out of your head. You want (and feel you need) to know who this other person that he cheated on you with was, what they looked like, and how they snagged your spouse or loved one. I completely understand this. You could probably accurately accuse me of "stalking" the other woman once I found out about her. I just had to know what she had that I didn't.
But, here's the truth. None of this is going to help your healing. All it does is push you back down to a place that is very hard to escape from. The truth is, all you really need to understand is why the affair happened, how you can use it to improve yourself and your marriage / relationship, and how you can keep it from happening again.

It doesn't matter who she was. I know it doesn't feel this way and this might sound crazy to you now, but the truth is, there's nothing special about her. She could have been anyone. Men cheat because of how they are feeling about themselves. Any one who could have made him feel important, appreciated, and admired at a vulnerable time in his life would have fit the bill.

The harsh truth is that mostly, an affair is a matter of timing and who is available when your loved one is vulnerable. Statistically speaking, most men (or women) will return to their wives (or husbands) and greatly regret the affair. And, statistically speaking, the vast majority will admit that the "other woman" or other person was not more desirable than the person they are already married to or involved with (only 12%, according to one survey.)

Restore Your Self Esteem As Soon As You Can: Cheating can beat your self esteem and self worth to death. You can begin to think that the cheating was your fault because you were not attractive, attentive or sexy enough to keep your man or woman. This often is not the case at all. But, many people allow these self doubts to whittle away at them and break them down. Some just give up and stop trying - but what does this do? It sends a message to your self conscience and to your spouse or partner that you aren't worth the effort.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to play up what you know you have. Get a little pampering and an outfit that makes you feel great about yourself and hit the town regularly with your friends. Watch as glances follow you and eyes lock with yours. This will tell you all you need to know. Yes, you are still attractive. Yes, there are plenty of people who find you appealing. But, your loved one just made a mistake at one moment in time that had much more to do with his shortcomings than with yours.

Now, don't take this advice too far and cheat or have your own affair. Many people are tempted to "get back" at their spouses or "show him how it feels." I understand why this is tempting, but all it will do is cause more problems and more mistrust. It's fine to attract appreciative glances and stares. It is not fine to act on this.

Put Safeguards In Place To Prevent The Cheating From Happening Again: Usually the biggest reason that you can't get over an affair for good is that, deep down, you're afraid that it is going to happen again. You don't want to open yourself up and be vulnerable again only to have this come back to bite you later when it happens again.

The best thing you can do then is to commit to doing the work necessary to make sure that you never have to go through this again. You and your partner need to understand exactly why the affair happened. Very often, it's because one spouse was not feeling understood, desirable, or appreciated by the other. This is easier to fix than you might think. If both parties work on their communication and relationship skills, each partner eventually becomes happy, understood, appreciated, and fulfilled. Happy, understood, and appreciated folks have no reason to look elsewhere to get their needs met.

And, frankly, once you and your partner are back in this groove of give and take, your marriage or relationship really can be better than ever. When two people are deeply in love and are seeing the desire and light in their partner's eyes reflected back at them, they aren't really thinking about something that happened long ago. They are more worried about the good things that are happening in the here and now.