You're an intelligent midlife-er. What seems to be the problem?
- Is it that your aging mother keeps changing her mind about what she most needs, and so never quite lands on anything you can wrap your credit card around?
- Or, perhaps it's your elderly father who's flat out saying he doesn't need nor want anything . . . at least nothing you could buy.
You do have my sympathy. Of course, that doesn't go very far when ideas are running on empty does it?
The thing is: You don't really believe either one of them do you? I do hope not. There's always something they could use. They might simply be having difficulty putting what they most want or need from you into words.
Perhaps I can help. After all, I have some experience with elderly parents who made a science of "needing nothing" I could buy. That never meant there was nothing they WANTED. It was just that the supreme gift required what might be considered a supreme commitment on my part. How on earth do they ask for such a beast?!
Okay, I've beaten around the hedge long enough. Where I'm heading first is the "COMMITMENT" part. This is a gift that definitely requires a time commitment on your part. If you can't give it and stand by it, you'd best bundle up and zip on over to the mall right now before all the crowds get testy and the good stuff is gone. No questions asked. No judgments made.
Still here? Good, because you have work to do and not all the time in the world. First thing: Get online, or go to a neighborhood store or the mall, and find something practical for them. (You didn't really think you could totally get out of this part, did you?) Anyway, you know there are things they need. Perhaps one of the following:
- Is their house old, cold, and drafty? Arrange to fix one or several of the problem areas - or to have them fixed. (I'll leave the particulars to you.)
- Does your mom or dad have physical problems that demand a few changes to their house - for safety purposes? Pick one or several, and take care of things.
- Does your mom like pretty little things - and love ANYTHING that comes from you? (The same question for your dad, but with tools or whatever else it is he enjoys.)
- Do they like home baked bread or cookies or cakes? Then get baking!
Just get or do something small. It doesn't have to cost a fortune . . but it does have to show that you love them enough to spend the time to pick it out or make it.
Alright, that takes care of the "stuff" part of things. Now, on to the real gift . . the supreme gift . . . the LEGACY gift.
If you've been reading any magazines or the "Life" section of your local paper lately, you're bound to have seen the word "legacy" pop up. It's one of the latest things. In your case, though, it's important.
This is where the commitment part comes in. For your elderly mom or dad, the quest for their legacy is just about the most important thing going on in their lives.
- It's a sorting out of what's happened in their lives, the roles they've played and how well they played those roles, and whether and how much any of it mattered.
- It's a figuring out of what they value, and whether they've lived up to those values.
- It's the ultimate discovery of who they really are, and what parts of themselves will last when they're gone.
You may not notice it - aside from their seemingly constant repeating of old stories and searching for details in happenings that took place long before your time - but it's THEIR supreme commitment. And as much as you keep trying to diagnose this repetition as the onset of dementia . . . and as much as you desperately want them to leave that "old" stuff behind and move on to more current issues . . . it isn't going to happen.
Your gift, then, is to jump in there with them. Get your hands dirty, so to speak. Jump in there and help them uncover the lost treasures in their lives...the ones that tell them (and you) who they are are down deep - where it counts.
And here's the commitment part: It doesn't happen quickly. You have to commit for the long haul. You have to be willing to listen to those same old stories over and over again - and to help them pull each individual strand into place. They're only repeating them because they haven't gotten them figured out yet. Once they've pulled the meaning from them, they'll move on. (If the repetition's driving you nuts, remember that this is your gift to them. You're giving your patience and your time as well as your help and understanding.)
Your part is to listen and to ask questions. I'm not talking simple, one word answer-type questions. You have to learn to ask, and commit to giving the time it takes for them to go inside to answer the questions that define their lives. This is important, life affirming work, my friend. And you - their most perfect child - are the most perfect person to take it on.
What do you say? Can you "afford" to commit to this most supreme gift? You've excelled at everything else in your life, right? This could be your defining challenge.
Just think of all the things you've always wanted to know about them, but didn't know where to look. The book's standing right in front of you. Go ahead. Commit to opening it wide and discovering the treasures it holds. When it comes to giving (AND receiving), you can't get much better than this!
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