How to Tell if Your Gay Boyfriend is a Diva

If you're gay, you either may have dated or been the Diva, everybody's drama queen. The incorrigible Her Majesty himself, impossible to please and even harder to predict. If you're just getting into a dating situation, you should know how to spot the tell-tale signs that your new beau is a Diva just waiting to express himself.

Step1 Check the brands.
The Diva is often splashed with more brand names than a Sak's 5th Avenue catalog. Even his underwear has to be brand-name, and he'll be glad to show it to you, tell you exactly where he bought it and how much it cost (or who bought it for him and how much they spent on him, a sign of higher Diva prestige).

Step2 Follow the footlights.
The Diva's always on stage as the leading lady in every scene. Your boy has to be the center of attention, and he'll throw a fit if anyone else tries to steal his spotlight.

Step3 Prepare for gossip, lots of it.
Your business is everyone's business. Even if it's embarrassing to both of you, he'll make sure everyone knows what's happening in your life together. This has nothing to do with you. It's just another way to keep everyone paying attention to him.

Step4 Expect whining.
Nothing is good enough for the Diva, and that includes your shoes, your friends, and that total stranger two tables over in the restaurant. He'll criticize everything, from the clothing of passers-by to the lighting in that expensive restaurant that he dragged you to (on your credit card). Everything is beneath his Exalted Highness.

Step5 Check his cell.
His phone's "Fave Five" had to be upgraded to a "Fave Fifty." The boy's cell phone is always at hand, and it's always buzzing. Space in his contact list is a heavily-contested premium, and it's always easy to tell who's on the outs this week by who's been booted from the list. The Queen has to have his Ladies in Waiting, after all, and they're all connected at the digital hip.

Step6 Expect a ranking.
Everything you do will be compared to the guy in his past who did it better. Don't dare ask why he didn't just stay with him, either, or you'll be sleeping on the couch for a week. If you do something right, this past Mr. Perfect did it better. If you do something wrong, you're just like "him" and you won't ever be allowed to forget the painful memory that your Diva had to relive because of the resemblance.

Step7 Learn to be a mindreader.
Something's wrong, and you're supposed to know what it is from the set of his mouth, the twitch of his nose and how often he looks at you over a twenty-minute period. If you don't figure it out, even if it wasn't your fault, it is now. And if you constantly cater to your Diva's needs, you still aren't sensitive enough, and you never will be.