what to do- When He Tells You to Call Him

Often a new man in our lives will say to us, “Call me.” What does that mean?

Those two little words can play big games with a woman’s mind if she’s not aware of what they really mean – and how she should react (or not react) to them.

There’s only one time when it’s good news to hear “Call me” from a man – and that’s when he’s already calling you frequently. He’s already actively pursuing you, and would be thrilled to get a call from you. That’s the way you want it.

As you can imagine, when a woman calls a new man daily or even more often, instead of making her calls rare and special occasions, her calls will be far less welcome and are much more likely to come at a bad time or become an annoyance.

Worse still, her constant calls virtually ensure that her man is never going to spend time thinking about her.

A man must spend time thinking about you in order to fall in love with you.

When a man casually says “Call me,” some women assume that this means he intends to make a date, when he was just ending your conversation. “Call me” can be the equivalent of the not-too-sincere “let’s have lunch.” Translation: “Call me – a year from never!”

When we really want to get closer to a man, and he throws out “Call me,” some women make the mistake of latching on to this and taking it too literally. This reveals to him that you have a lot more invested in a future with him than he does at that point. This will make a man want to back off from you immediately.

Here’s a question from a woman who wondered what to do when a man told her to call him:

Hi Mimi,

I’m mulling this over in my head: I went out with a guy on Friday night. We’ve gone out before but nothing terribly serious.

When he dropped me off, he said, “Call me early this coming week and we can chat. I had a great time tonight.”

So, of course, I said, “Well, I have a phone too; why don’t you call me?”

He laughed and said, “Yeah, you’re right, I guess it works both ways.”

[Mimi: When I heard those words “I guess” that would have told me a lot – it states loud and clear that he’s not interested - or at least, not interested enough. “I guess” about whether he should call her is very weak language indeed!]

So, I was just going to wait for him to call me, but then the next day he called me and left a message on my cell phone. I called back, but his phone was turned off or didn’t have service, which is understandable because he told me he was going to be at a boxing match that night, and it was nighttime by the time I called.

Anyway, I was just wondering, now that it’s “early this week,” if it would be appropriate for me to call him, or if I should just wait and see if he calls me?

This might be a stupid question, but I think my judgment goes away when I really like someone...

-- Beth

Dear Beth,

Of course it’s sometimes hard to hang on to our good judgment when we really like someone. I know exactly what you mean.

You handled that beautifully when you said in a flirtatious way that you have a phone too. You didn’t say “Oh, I never call men.” Women should never say that - it’s too harsh and it makes you sound like you read a book about not calling men! It’s a good idea to keep your “secret weapons” a secret, and maintain your mystery.

Men are not stupid. It’s never necessary to tell a man that you don’t call men - at least not any man who is worth your time.

It’s not a good sign that his parting words were “Call me early next week and we can chat.” They should have been, “I’ll call you early this week” which states both the fact that he will call and when. So you did well to let him know up front that you don’t play the game by his rules which put you at a distinct disadvantage. What if you said, “Okay, I’ll call you,” and sweetly accepted his putting the ball in your court to continue the relationship by pursuing him?? Perish the thought! That would be the beginning of the end!

He told you to call him “to chat.” That means nothing – especially since he told you to do the calling.

Perhaps he was testing you to find out how much of a challenge you will be, or how “into him” you already are – or perhaps he’s just been spoiled by other women who do call.

When you lightly said that he could also call you, it went well – because he did call you the next day.

Saying “Hey, I have a phone, too – you can call me” works as long as you say it in a smiling and teasing way – never offended or indignant. It works also because you are telling him nicely what you want him to do. He’ll get the message.

You already tried to return his call, and were unable to. So when he calls you, you can mention that. But it’s not a good idea to try numerous times to return a phone call that can’t be returned – even if he does not know you tried to call.

It’s his job to make sure his phone is turned on. If it’s turned off, then he probably doesn’t want any calls – especially if he’s left no means for you to leave a message. He knows he’s unreachable, and that must be what he wanted right then. That’s not a problem if he calls you later when he can talk. He did not forget that you exist!