Why men confide in other men

Many men shy away from discussing relationship problems. To be fair to them, what their partners see as an “issue” they might think is a little blip that doesn't mean anything.
It can be a positive when a man thinks that something's no big deal, so why worry about it. Perhaps that's an attitude that would serve a few women well.

But let's qualify this: if a man's going to discuss a relationship issue shouldn't he do so with his partner - the person he shares the relationship with?

Definitely! Some men, though, confide in a best friend what they find hard to talk about with their partner. Yes, women chat to their girlfriends about relationship problems (they often speak of little else) but they try to get their partner to speak about it, too.

A client, 34-year-old Jessica, was fairly devastated to discover that her live-in boyfriend, 36-year-old Mark, told his best friend that they were skirting around the issue of getting married (she obviously wanted to, while he wasn't in a hurry). Yet he'd found it hard to discuss their respective marital expectations with her.

Jessica's humiliation caused soul-searching on her part about whether to stay with him. I advised her to put the brakes on any break-up plans and recognise that men do this for a few core reasons and not to betray their partners. They see it as a “practice run” for discussing it with their partner.

Confiding something troubling with a friend can give a sense of control over the problem. And they often get goal-directed advice from another man that helps to clarify those rather troubling things - conflicting emotions - over a relationship dilemma. Of course women would prefer it the other way round, but it's not the end of the world when this happens.

Mark knows that he made a mistake but Jessica also now knows that it was his way of clarifying feelings so that he can express them.