Parents:how to help your son after he gets a divorce

No matter the duration of a marriage, its dissolution always has an emotional impact on more than just the two people who were involved. Children experience angst at the prospect of being shuttled between two addresses. Close friends feel their loyalties tested in deciding which half they should side with or invite to holiday parties. Parents, too, experience the discomfiture of no longer having in the family picture someone to whom they had become fondly attached.

Even if you never completely warmed to your ex-daughter-in-law, however, the worst thing you can do is tell your son “I told you so” or start reciting a litany of all her faults that really annoyed you. Much as he may be inclined to agree with you, the transition period during and after a divorce is one where he will be examining his own judgment and values. The implication that you have masked your true feelings about his wife until now will run counter to the attempts he will need to make in order to learn to trust his heart again.

The following tips will assist both of you in allowing him to build that bridge and get over it.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW
It’s hard to quell our natural curiosity when something unexpected happens to the people we love. The fact that your son’s marriage seemed like such a match made in heaven makes it that much harder to accept that they have now decided to go their separate ways. Were there signs of trouble brewing that you somehow missed? Should you have said something sooner? Was it all just a simple misunderstanding?

You can lose a lot of sleep trying to analyze their marital situation from all different angles but the reality is that you weren’t living in the skin of either one of them to really know everything that transpired. Chances are that even your son can’t sum it up in twenty-five words or less, nor should he be expected to. Continued persistence on your part will only escalate his frustration as well as make him want to spend less and less time in your company.

The bottom line is that even if you do find out the answer, it’s not going to reverse the circumstances. Having made the adult decision to get together in the first place, your son and daughter-in-law are owed the respect of being allowed to make the same kind of adult decision to separate. No questions asked.

YOU’RE A PARENT, NOT A COUNSELOR
How many conversations have you started lately with your son begin with the words, “What you really oughta do--?”
We can’t help ourselves when it comes to giving what we think is useful advice. Having been there/done that ourselves in romantic entanglements, we believe that we’re speaking from the voice of experience when we recommend the lovelorn take a long vacation, move back home, immerse oneself in hard work, etc. Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all cure for the pain of divorce.

As loving as your intentions may be, the moment you slip into your wise counselor voice you are putting your offspring on the defensive. Whether he was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings or was himself the victim of an unpleasant surprise, the last thing he needs is someone telling him what he should do next with his life. To suggest that he is incapable of making a decision undermines everything about his character that you have instilled since he was old enough to listen to you.

It also goes without saying that he knows what he needs better than you do during this juncture. Maybe it’s eating cold pizza and watching cartoons. Maybe it’s hitting the bars every night with his buddies. Maybe it’s working out at the downtown gym and taking out his anger on a punching bag. While his particular remedy of choice may not coincide with yours, people always heal faster when they have the freedom to decide what works best for their own personality and timeframe.

DON’T TRY TO GET THEM BACK TOGETHER
There’s nothing wrong with remaining friends with your son’s ex-wife. Maybe she’s a perfectly delightful young woman who filled your void of always wanting to have a daughter. Why should that bond have to be broken between the two of you if there’s a genuine affection and a lot of things in common? Insistent as your son may be that you should have nothing to do with her now that they’ve officially split, you’re within all rights to remind him that you’re old enough to choose your own companions and that she just happens to be one of them.

Just make sure, of course, that you’re keeping her close for the right reasons. If you’re secretly harboring hopes that her continued appearances everywhere he’s going to turn up will make your son smack himself in the forehead and realize what a dunce he was for letting her go, you may be waiting for a very long time. Inviting her to every family party and Sunday dinner as if nothing ever happened will only widen the rift between you and your son, especially if/when he starts dating someone new. If your ex daughter-in-law is truly as worthy a friend as you believe her to be, she will graciously bow out of the “family only” events but continue to do lunches, make movie dates, and go shopping with you.

DON’T PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR HIM
Now that he’s a single guy again, what better opportunity to introduce your son to the visiting niece of your best friend from the garden club. Maybe they’ll hit it off, go out to dinner, get engaged, and have a storybook wedding in your backyard.

Or maybe you should just let him find his own dates. For all you know, he could still be deeply pining for his ex. If he is, what woman in her right mind wants to go out with a guy who can’t stop yakking about how wonderful and perfect her predecessor was? Even worse, he could be vulnerable right now to the aggressive charms of a female who sees a rebound opportunity in the making.

If his divorce was a costly one, getting involved with someone new right away—even a potential Ms. Right— could mean that he’ll have to spend money he just doesn’t have and is too embarrassed to borrow. Have you also considered the possibility that someone new was already in the picture before the ink dried on the divorce papers and that he just hasn’t told you about her yet?

Last but not least, how many guys would seriously consider a date set up by their mothers? Such desperation smacks of taking your sister to the high school prom and knowing that no one will ever let you forget it.

DON’T INVITE HIM TO MOVE BACK HOME
Yes, he’s hurt and sad and maybe he’s even looking a little malnourished. This is not the time, however, to tell him he can move back to his old room and that you will take care of him until he’s strong enough to leave the nest again. That’s not to say you can’t have him over for dinner in the middle of the week or send him home with casseroles and cookies. Or to remind him that he’s a strong person and that you have every confidence he’s going to be all right.

Besides, if you really want him to give this marriage thing another chance sometime, how many women are going to be attracted to a man who moved back home and lets his parents do all of the work?

GIVE HIM A NIGHT OFF
If there were children by this marriage, you have even more pressure to maintain neutrality and fairness in any discussions about their mother. In joint custody situations, the kids are likely to be hearing enough negative stuff about their respective parents that they don’t need to hear more at your house. In the event your son was awarded full custody, treat him to some time to himself by offering to take the grandchildren off his hands.

Most of all, keep an open door to communications, affirming that the change in marital status has in no way changed your love and respect for who your son is as an individual.