My husband won't look at me when we have sex

A person wants to know why her husband of 21 years will have sex only in the spoons position and only if she lies still and makes no noise. Does he no longer see her as a sexual being?

Sex advice: My husband won't look at me when we have sex

Suzi Godson
Of all the sexual positions, spoons is the one that requires the least exertion. A man doesn't generally have a great deal of opportunity to thrust, but he can fondle his partner's breasts and play with her clitoris.
It is a fantastic position for people recovering from illness or surgery, for those who have bad backs or stiff joints, or who are generally geriatric.
The huge downside to spoons, particularly when it is the only position on offer, is that a man cannot see his partner. Unless, of course, that is an upside. I can see why you are distressed. Your husband chooses to have sex in a position that requires little or no effort on his part. He chooses a position in which he does not have to look at you, and he does not allow you to move or make any noise.
Unless he can come up with a valid explanation, by anyone's standards, his sexual behaviour is completely unacceptable.
You say that you love each other but the way he treats you in bed is far from loving. Having said that, if you have never complained to him about the way it makes you feel, he has no way of knowing that you hate it. Only by making your needs known can you get them met, and no one else can do that for you.
The keys to successful relationships are communication, negotiation and conflict resolution. How do the two of you score on those fronts? If you have a few minutes to spare, the following tests (www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/ ) will help you to evaluate your relationship a bit more objectively. They analyse the closeness of your relationship and the strengths and weaknesses in your connection with each other.
John Gottman, the man who devised the tests, is renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. Gottman, a mathematician and psychology professor, has spent decades studying couples' emotions, physiology, and communication. His basic premise is that respect and affection are essential to all good relationships and that contempt destroys them.
I think you'd probably agree that the sexual interaction between you and your husband is not respectful, is not affectionate, and is leaving you feeling hostile.
That's a dangerous place to be if you want your marriage to survive, so you need to change things. Start by asserting yourself and making some demands of your own. Refuse to have sex unless he engages with you, and if he doesn't respond, give him an ultimatum - no sex unless he sees a sex therapist with you.
You can find a list of accredited therapists on the website for the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (http://www.basrt.org.uk/ ). Good luck.

Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

Dr Thomas Stuttaford
Even the finest champagne and Beluga caviar would become monotonous if eaten every day. As Samuel Johnson said: “The great source of pleasure is variety. Uniformity must tire at last, though it be uniformity of excellence.”
Johnson went on to suggest that the great pleasures of life were heightened by expectations. If the pleasure of expectation is denied because there is never any change in routine, however excellent this formula may have been on the first occasion it was used, its limitations would be all too obvious after the hundredth consecutive time.
The spooning positions - with the woman lying on her side with her body angled slightly forwards and the man tucked in behind her - have several advantages. Though the woman has to take some of her weight on one elbow it is very comfortable. For this reason it is often recommended to pregnant women who may find sexual intercourse in other positions a strain.
Spooning sex provides reasonably deep penetration that will usually ensure enough movement of the clitoral hood to excite clitoral stimulation. If clitoral stimulation is inadequate, the man can reach around the woman to supplement it manually. There is also close bodily contact and the penis is gripped tightly. So far, so good, but although there is close bodily contact the woman can't use her hands to explore or stroke the man. Neither is there any eye contact. It is a very impersonal position and this impersonality in your case is emphasised by your husband's insistence that you should lie still and totally silent so that your responses will be deadened.
Why would any man want to insist that sexual intercourse should be only in this position? The obvious answers are that either he wants to fantasise or that he needs to utilise the firm grip on his penis that this position provides. If fantasy is its objective, it is presumably about someone or something else and that the man doesn't want the distraction of seeing a well-loved face.
If your husband is seeking a firmer grip despite the disadvantage of only moderate penetration, it might be that he needs more penile stimulation because of his age. You don't tell us about the foreplay before your lovemaking reaches the stage of penetration. Is this earthy and sexy, or cursory and half-hearted?
You have a well-established marriage. It is commendable that you still love each other and don't confuse a lack of passion and sexual enthusiasm for a loss of love. However, I would insist on discussing other positions that would enable you to take a more active role. The obvious alternative would be to have the woman squatting on top. Almost as much pressure is exerted on penis and vagina if the woman sits astride him and has her legs outstretched so that they reach to either side of his head.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic