Majority relates with the logic of opposites attract. This attraction brings the two genders together and further binds them into a committed relationship i.e. Marriage. However, lately this conservative yet rational idea of starting a life together 'legally' is bringing some discomfort and states of dilemma in the minds of lot singles.
Commitment is the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons; and in this case we are talking about getting married. On the other hand Commitment Phobic is the one who fear and avoid having to commit anything, but especially relationships.
Our usual belief is that men are generally considered more commitment-phobic than women, but recent research suggests we possibly tend to stereotype, as it is not necessarily a gender-specific thing.
It is indeed important to understand why and what causes people to become commitment phobics instead of blaming or demeaning them. You can help them cope, by probing and understanding about their life situations, experiences, genetic coding which prompts this phobic behaviour. Take a look at the common fears they have on their mind -
* Fear of losing control over one's self or one's life.
* Fear of losing one's financial resources
* Fear of being vulnerable & dependent upon one's partner or fear of a partner being dependent on you.
* Fear of change, as one is habituated of the comfortable life on own terms.
* Fear of betrayal by another person.
* Fear of being a victim of abuse.
* Fear of divorce/ separation.
Negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships push them into a constant state of emotional conflict. So while in relationships they tend to create great confusion, havoc, pain, and anguish as their behaviours are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre. Some behaviours you will usually find them indulging in -
1. History of short relationships - You will often find them saying 'I still haven't found the right man / woman.'
2. Extreme affection and love initially - They are convinced relationships never last forever.
3. Love the chase but don't want the kill - While partner's needs & expectations go up, their Love and loyalty fizzles down.
4. Good salesperson - They do just the right things. Ensure their own needs are met very well, with little concern for the partner's feelings.
5. Clear partition - Breaching honesty, their ready excuses will always keep their work place, friends, family beyond your reach.
6. History of sudden unavailability, inaccessibility - They would get annoyed when asked to disclose about their whereabouts, plans, and activities.
7. Lack of Investment & planning ahead - For few, buying Property/ Car/ Furniture are big decisions like marriage which require commitment, and they don't want to be stuck with anything.
8. Odd choices - Often go for elder women/ younger men, married people; as later the same is used as an excuse to end relationships
A certain level of self introspection and alertness is what is critical before deciding upon the right partner to avoid any sort of anguish. Follow the 2 checklists -
Step 1 - 'AM I ready for commitment?'
* I am ready and able to give up my identity as a single person.
* I have been emotionally stable for at least six months.
* I feel I am ready to put my relationship needs ahead of my personal needs when necessary.
* I am ready to decrease my ties with my immediate family & put this energy into my relationship.
* I am able to keep my work from interfering with my relationship.
* I feel ready to merge my life with someone else.
* I have been monogamous sexually & emotionally for at least the past 6 months & I am committed to staying monogamous.
Step 2 - 'Is my PARTNER ready for commitment'
* She or he wants a commitment with me.
* She or he has been stable emotionally for at least six months.
* She or he is available and has the time to make our relationship healthy.
* She or he is willing to talk through a disagreement.
* She or he can put relationship needs ahead of personal needs when necessary.
* I feel cared for and comfortable with my partner.
* My partner's values match mine fairly well.
* My partner has been sexually and emotionally monogamous for the past six months.
* My partner and I are most often in agreement in how to spend time and money.
Nothing is impossible, so now you should be able to identify, confront, and resolve the common situations in a non - committed set up. So go ahead, hold a productive conversation with your prospective partner/ friend who is caught up with commitment phobia/ dilemma, and facilitate them in making effective relationship choices.
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