Confessing Your Affair

Of all the phrases that can follow "We have to talk," confessing that you've been seeing someone on the sly is probably among the very worst.

Here's how to keep your love - and limbs - intact.

Consider Secrecy
Think long and hard about whether you should even have this conversation. If it was a short-lived and very sincerely regretted affair, your relationship might best be served by your silence (and subsequent fidelity). Since you're not breaking it off, you clearly have come to realize the value of your union. Why run the enormous risk of losing it for good by admitting your betrayal?

Know Your Reasons
There are good and bad reasons for confessing your unfaithfulness. Bad ones include hoping that it will make her break up with you (do it yourself, you coward) or simply to ease your own guilty conscience. But you have good reason to confess if you believe your betrayed is going to find out about this from someone else. He or she deserves to hear the truth from you first.

Get the Timing Right
You'll want to reveal your affair under the best possible circumstances - not in public, or after sex, or during already stressful times - but don't put it off too long. The more time that elapses between the cheating and the confession, the more difficult it will be to convince him or her that you genuinely regret it and want to fix things.

Be Prepared
Think about personality for a minute. Is your partner someone who'll likely fly into a rage? Do you think you'll be picking your clothes off the sidewalk later? Will there be a shouting match? Or tears? Decide what you can reasonably expect from your announcement and plan accordingly. Remove any sharp objects or heavy frying pans. Warn your friends that you may need a place to sleep for a few nights. Buy extra tissues.

Just Say It
Forget about trying to soften him or her up with a fabulous date, a coveted gift or a special event. You'll undo all that hard work the minute you say the words. Better to just dive in (and save the sweet stuff for after). Start by declaring your love for him or her. Then reveal that you've made a mistake that you will never, ever make again. Do not divulge too many details (even when you're asked), and make sure to emphasize there were no emotions involved. Acknowledge the damage and hurt you know you've caused. Show how remorseful you are (tears will help here). Offer reassurances that it will never happen again - and have a plan in mind for how you can start to rebuild her trust.

Follow Up
Don't ask him or her to make a decision about the future of your relationship right away. He or she will need time to digest this new information. Forgiveness is going to take more than just promising not to screw up again. You can expect to put up with some residual anger for awhile. And anticipate that you're going to have to pay some extra attention to the relationship for awhile. Show that you're committed to making up for your mistakes - but also that you're fully committed to the relationship.