Why did your husband have an affair?

“I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m not sexy enough.” “I haven’t paid enough attention to him, lately…” The list goes on and on. These are just a few of the initial thoughts that surface to a scorned woman’s mind after discovering her husband has had an affair.

In contrast, most women are averse to even considering the matter of “why did my husband have an affair?” This question of “why” often remains unanswered for many women, and more so for women who are not willing to look objectively at the relationship, both partners’ behaviors, as well as both spouses contribution to the marriage.

As the old adage goes, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” While in a few situations this may be true, in most cases it is not. Many issues revolve around the reasons for a man to have an affair, but the majority reason for spousal affairs, is based upon a need by the cheating spouse, that has not been met by their partner.

The unmet need may not be easily identifiable, especially as applied to emotional dissatisfaction. Most men, partners, husbands, and mates will genuinely try to be patient with their unknowing spouse. To illustrate, the following list is a compilation of signs or, rather red flags that most likely will draw a spouse’s attention to the fact there may be problems.

- Spending less and less time at home.
- Lack of desire to involve themselves in marital or family activities.
- Emotionally detached or indifferent.
- Unexplained bills; gift items such as jewelry, flower, and hotel room bills.
- He doesn’t come home every night, perhaps claiming overtime at work, or excuses it to a beer with the guys.
- He leaves early from work, or takes extended lunch hour.
- Any issue that reflects actions that is notably out of character for him.
The physical signs are much more obvious; his sexual behavior goes to extremes in an “all or none” fashion. He may want much more sex than normal, or he may desire none. He may also desire sexual acts that are out of character for his “normal” sexual appetite. Your husband may evoke of sense of detachment by not allowing any form of physical touch or affection, much less attend to him physically.

Some husbands may feel neglected due to a spouse’s career, children, and a range of other activities that prevent or lessen the amount of time a wife may spend alone with her husband. He may seek out someone who can unwittingly devote the amount of desired attention.
Most men who have affairs are still very much in love with their wives, but the unmet need draws the couple further apart, especially when it has reached the point of initiating an affair to satisfy the difference.

In few instances does love truly fade—it was most likely not there to begin with. Love does falter, passion fades, and people age, or become creatures of habit living deep in a rut that the cheating spouse feels is too late to step out of. The grass begins to appear greener elsewhere, and his eye, his heart, and his body may wander, seeking physical or emotional satisfaction from another woman.

People are inherently flawed, but relationships do cycle and grow at reasonably healthy paces when nurtured. An open venue of communication is the most significant factor in avoiding acts of infidelity, whether it is in the form of a one night stand, or long-term affair. Both spouses must be able to communicate their likes, dislikes, and desires without recourse to one another.

Lastly, many women will say that their cheating husband is a “dog,” “a cheater,” and a liar. Some will admit they have gained weight, and perhaps didn’t continue to take care of themselves, while blaming that on children, on chores, and life in general. Many women are simply angry and hurt and go through life carrying some hefty emotional baggage, and never bother to find out the true reason behind their husband’s act of infidelity.