Top 10 hard questions for men to ask before having children

The relationship process often follows a predictable pattern- a couple meets, dates, marries and eventually forms a family. It seems like a natural progression, but with each new step also comes a need to ask some very difficult questions of oneself. The decision to start a family is indeed one of those life-altering experiences which requires some tough self-examination for both husband and wife. Here are 10 of the hardest question a man should ask himself before deciding whether or not to start a family:

1. Am I financially prepared to raise a child? This doesn't mean only the immediate medical or household expenses of actually bringing a baby into the world. You must ask yourself if you're secure enough financially to raise a child from age 0 to age 18 without the risk of collapse. Does your present job present opportunities for a raise in salary or promotion to a better position over time? If your spouse wants to become a stay-at-home parent, can your salary support both her and the child? Many parents discover that their finances, no matter how limited they appear to be, can usually stretch to afford a child. No one can absolutely guarantee job security in an uncertain world, but ask yourself if you feel confident about your employment and income opportunities over the next 10 or 20 years. If you have serious reservations, it may be better to wait until your financial outlook is more stable.

2. Do I agree with my spouse on discipline? The root of many disputes between parents is a fundamental disagreement over discipline issues. One parent may believe strongly in spanking or other corporal punishment, while the other may favor non-physical approaches such as lectures or time-outs. Parents may discover that a mixture of both philosophies work best, but you should ask yourself if you're prepared to compromise on discipline. If you are strongly in favor of spanking but your spouse is not onboard with that idea, the resulting stress can be overwhelming. If your personal views on disciplining a child are based on your own childhood experiences and not on a current parenting philosophy, then you may need to reconcile your feelings with a professional counselor before having children. Some adults who were subjected to harsh physical discipline as children may take a vow to never spank their own children, but this isn't always a realistic decision for parents. Examine your own concerns about discipline and discuss them with your spouse before committing to parenthood.

3. Am I having children to 'keep up with the Joneses'? Some couples feel social pressure to form families at the same time their relatives or friends do. In the same way that single people may feel uncomfortable around married friends, some childless couples feel uncomfortable around friends with children. There is always an emotional pull to have a son who will carry on the family name or a daughter who will be the envy of everyone around her. Society often places a lot of emphasis on the idea of perpetuating ourselves through the next generations. Parents become grandparents, siblings become aunts and uncles and all of their children become cousins. This idea of an instant extended family may be very appealing, but it shouldn't override other considerations such as financial security or the continued strengthening of a romantic relationship with your spouse. Ask yourself if the idea of having a child is truly coming from your heart, or is it a subconscious decision driven by outside influences.

4. Am I committed to this relationship? This may sound like a harsh question to ask, especially when it should be obvious your romantic relationship is strong. But it's one you need to ask before bringing a child into the equation. Some couples going through a rough patch in their relationship may honestly believe a child will magically fix their problems. The difficulty lies in all those unanswered issues which get pushed aside during the pregnancy and early child rearing stages. Having a child may indeed feel like a renewal of a relationship which had been in danger of fading away or ending badly. But if the pre-baby issues have not been fully reconciled, the result could be an even more dysfunctional family dynamic. If you and your spouse are having trouble communicating or you're experiencing the feeling of being trapped or smothered, you need to work through those feelings before bringing a child into the relationship.

5. Am I ready to become Mr. Responsibility? Growing up is hard on everyone, especially those who tend to avoid responsibility. Many of us look back at our teen years and wonder how that person ever survived to adulthood. In our twenties, we're still trying to find ourselves through college educations and entry-level jobs with minimal responsibility. If we decide to quit one profession, we still have time to try something else for a while. A romantic relationship may last a few weeks or a few years. But then we meet our future spouses and that independent lifestyle seems to fade away quickly. Our lives become more settled, and with that stability comes responsibility. Bills must be paid, jobs become careers and our girlfriends become our wives. Deciding to bring a new life into your family often means taking on even more responsibility than ever. You'll be largely responsible for training a child to become a healthy and productive adult someday. He or she will also become reckless or irresponsible for a while, but then come to the same conclusions you did. Ask yourself if you're ready to become a mature role model for a young son or daughter. This doesn't mean you can't have fun ever again or your relationship with your spouse can't be as freeform as it once was, but you will have a small child learning how you handle your life. Make sure you're prepared to become a Dad at home and a Mister to the outside world.

6. Do I have enough friends and relatives to form a supportive network? Some couples may distance themselves from their families as a way of dealing with personality clashes, but eventually both families will want to help with child rearing. This will mean making every effort to be on good terms with in-laws and friends of your spouse. Once a child enters the picture, you'll be seeing quite a lot of them in the first few years. They may provide babysitting services for a couple's night out, but some may also become a bit intrusive. You may find yourself appreciating their help one day and quietly resenting their presence the next day. Raising a child often becomes a community project for extended family members, so it pays to be on good personal terms with them.

7. Can I truly handle the disruptions a baby can bring? Babies can decide to cry at any moment of the day or night. Changing diapers can be a very messy and thankless job. Babies must be secured into car seats and carriers each and every time an outing is planned. A simple trip to the store may involve an hour of extra planning and preparation. Doctor visits may take up your accumulated vacation days at work, or involve all-day trips across town. Neither parent will get much sleep during the first few years of a child's development, and the husband/wife relationship may be put on hold indefinitely. But despite all of these impositions on one's time and dignity, many parents discover that these early days are the best. Having a child can be extremely fulfilling on an emotional and spiritual level, even if it can be rough on the body at times. You must ask yourself if you're ready to give up part of your own comfort in order to raise and protect your baby.

8. Am I going to be a good father? No one can really answer this question for you, but you do have some history to draw upon. Looking back on your own childhood, you may remember both good and bad qualities about your father. There may have been some times when you felt he was unfair or non-responsive, while at other times he was right there when you needed him. You may remember your father as a distant person who rarely showed emotion or as an accessible and generous man. He may have come across as a leader who taught by example, or as someone who allowed others to be better role models. No matter how you were raised, you must decide how you want your own child to see you. Do you want his or her respect or do you want to be their best friend? Are you looking forward to teaching them the essentials of life or are you hoping others will be around to take up the slack? You will make mistakes and face times when your child doesn't particularly like you, but you'll always be the parent, right or wrong.

9. Can I be truly gender-blind? Most men would like to believe they would love a daughter as much as a son or vice-versa, but in reality many would-be dads find they do have a preference. Some look forward to raising a son who will carry on the family traditions and be interested in all the things his father enjoys- sports, cars, gadgets, etc. Others may look forward to raising a 'daddy's girl' who will see him as the ultimate male role model and offer him unconditional love. As strong as these gender preferences may be, there is no way to predict a baby's gender until well into the gestation period. A father cannot be so caught up in his gender preference that he loses all perspective. A child can often sense a parent's disappointment even if it is never mentioned in his or her presence. You must ask yourself if you can set aside your own biases towards gender and raise your child to the best of your ability.

10. Am I comfortable with my child's religious upbringing? Many parents find themselves in a quandary where religious training is involved. They may share a common religion, or come from mixed religious backgrounds. One parent might be very religious while the other is non-religious or non-practicing. The issue of future religious training must be addressed before children are brought into the picture. If the parents are not coming from the same place religiously, the conflict can easily become overwhelming. Jewish traditions such as circumcision or mitzvahs may not mesh with Catholic beliefs such as confirmation or baptism. Some parents find compromise to be simply a question of dividing their time between both religions, but others may decide to convert to their spouse's religion in order to settle the conflicts. You must ask yourself if you would be comfortable making these life-altering decisions if it meant an easier religious upbringing for your child. You cannot make these assumptions for a spouse. You'll need to have a serious conversation about religious practices with your spouse before making any decision about having a child.