What to do if his parents disapprove of your wedding?

It’s your day and you want it to be perfect. You have likely spent months pouring through bridal magazines in search of the perfect dress. Perhaps you have mentally filed away ideas for your wedding for years. Even if you were never the type to dream about your wedding day, you surely have a good idea of what you do not want to have happen on this event that marks the start of married life. While flowers and music are subjective, it could be universally argued that nobody wants their special day to be marked by discord. Yet, if your future in-laws disagree with your plans that is exactly what could happen.

So, what do you do if you and your fiancé have a vision of which his parents disapprove? Or worse yet, what if they object to you marrying each other at all? It might be tempting to tell them to like it or lump it, especially if they are not contributing financially, but, in the long term, that is not such a great idea. They will be a part of your family ‘til death do you part. No, your best bet to a happy wedding day and to a happily ever after is to keep your cool, be sensitive to their opinions and to invite your future in-laws to be a part of the process.

Let’s tackle the biggest obstacle first. Suppose you and your fiancé announce your engagement to his parents and, instead of the joyful congratulations for which you had hoped, you are greeted with obvious disapproval. If this happens, do not despair and do not argue your point. If they are in shock or upset, his parents will need time to digest the news. Should things start heading in a confrontational direction, politely excuse yourself and suggest that perhaps all of you meet to discuss their concerns at a later date. Do not to forget to include your fiancé in this discussion.
No matter what the issue, he should not expect you to fight any battle, big or small, alone. They are his parents and if he does not visibly back you it will give them the impression that your opinion is not his and his parents may perceive this as permission to discount whatever you have to say. A few days after the announcement, arrange a meeting to address any perceived problems. Now is a very good time to show his family that you have not made the decision to marry capriciously. If you have not already, try to anticipate their apprehensions. This process will not only help you to understand their viewpoint and soothe their anxieties, but it may help you and their son identify and address trouble spots within your relationship. This is not the time to talk about wedding plans.
Any parent who is worried about their son getting married is not going to be swayed by dress swatches and ceremony locations. Listen to their arguments and, no matter how much you may be simmering on the inside, stay calm and collected. After calm reflection, their points may be valid and something you both need to think about. Also, do not underestimate how much of their disapproval is rooted in fear of losing their son once he is married. Especially if the latter is true, be kind. Someday you may find yourself in the same position! When it becomes clear that all that can be said has been said, thank them for taking the time to meet with you and end the meeting. However, before anyone leaves, you and your fiancé must make it unequivocally clear that you both are committed to marrying one another. After that, the ball is in their court. If they choose to accept you into their family, wonderful! If not, carefully consider whether or not it is a good idea to marry into his family at this time.
Marrying into a family in which one or both of your in-laws disapprove of their son’s marriage is a hard path and it is not a step to be taken lightly. While it is definitely easier said than done try to be considerate of their feelings no matter how they respond to your impending nuptials. A good way to keep resentment and ill-will at bay is to invite his parents to participate in the planning and celebration of your wedding day.

Welcoming his parents to share in the preparations, even if there is no bad blood between you, may be the one of the hardest things you have to do. Chances are you know what you want and may well have known for a very long time. It can be hard to give up even one iota of a dream, even for the parents of the man you love. However, now is the time to sit down and pick your battles. Give in on the things that are not so important to you, but stand firm on the things that are. Rather than rejecting their suggestions outright or allowing them to steamroll your ideas, tell them exactly what you want and why you want it.
Maybe you want the reception in the park because that is where you and their son had your first date. Maybe you could care less about your wedding cake as long as it tastes great. The choice is clear, give his parents free reign on the cake and book the park for the reception. There are sure to be a number of small things of which you are willing to let go in order to keep the peace. Should his parents be absolutely determined to disapprove of all your choices, all you can do is make it clear that they are welcome to participate on your terms and continue to invite them to be a part of the event planning. As with their approval of the marriage itself, there is only so much you can do to change his parents’ perceptions about your wedding plans. It is up to them to get over any dissatisfaction and join in the fun. The same holds true for in-laws who express their disapproval the day of the wedding itself.

Imagine your mother and new mother-in-law greeting each other at your reception. Your aunt comments on what a lovely day it was and your new mother-in-law responds that your ceremony was garish and the reception completely overdone. Think it can’t happen? Think again! Whether it is overt or passive aggressive, it would not be unheard of for your new husband’s parents to express their disapproval on your wedding day. How you respond to their affront depends on what was said and how it was announced. If it was said just to your aunt, ignore it.
The day was stressful and perhaps she was not feeling herself. If your mother-in-law is making the circuit around the room in order to best share her negative opinions, have your husband or new father-in-law gently help her to see the bad taste in publicly lambasting a member of her own family. Perhaps they can then steer her to someone who can be relied upon to direct her in a more positive topic of conversation. Now, for the worse case scenario, she or your father-in-law cause a scene. Ideally, the best man or another family member should escort the offender from the room.
If you or your husband is up to it, make a dismissive or pithy comment. Then, signal whoever is in charge of the music to strike up a tune and lead your husband to the dance floor. With any luck, your friends will soon follow. Regrettably, your guests aren’t likely to forget a negative outburst by your in-laws, but they will remember your grace in a tough situation. Hopefully, by allowing your in-laws to play a positive role in the planning, this scenario will have nothing to do with your wedding day.

While you inviting your future in-laws to express their opinions and concerns is probably the best way to mitigate any bad feelings, remember to set boundaries around what is important to you and to your future husband. If you please his parents by giving up everything you want, it sets a horrible precedent for the future. Instead, give in on the issues that are not important, calmly stand firm on what is, and make respectful compromises on the stuff that falls in between. Your future in-laws will not help but be impressed with the maturity of their son’s bride and maybe, just maybe, you will end up with a more wonderful wedding than you had dreamed possible.