The Sex-Starved Wife

What if you find that you're the one craving a deeper sexual connection, but he simply doesn't want sex very often — or ever? How can you rescue your sex life? Read on for couple-tested solutions for bringing intimacy and heat back into your relationship, in this exclusive excerpt from the new book by REDBOOK Love Network expert Michele Weiner Davis.

Maybe your marriage started out on fire — you couldn't keep your hands off each other. But somewhere along the line, your husband lost interest in sex. Or maybe the signs of his sexual sluggishness were there all along; you just assumed things would get better, but if anything, they've gotten worse.

You've grown tired of always being the one to initiate, always being the one who cares. The fights have become exasperating. The loneliness is killing you. And he just doesn't get it. Or worse yet, you wonder, Does he get it? Is he doing this to punish me? You ask yourself, What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive? How did you find the one man in the world who would prefer doing just about anything other than making love to you?

The truth is, your husband isn't as unusual as you think. In fact, after almost three decades of working as a couples therapist and learning what really goes on behind closed doors, I'm convinced that low sexual desire in men is America's best-kept secret.

Here's something you need to know: Your husband's indifference to sex probably has nothing to do with how attractive you are or how much he loves you. He may have a personal issue, such as depression or stress, that's sapping his sexual desire. Or the culprit could be a physical problem — such as illness, obesity, or trouble maintaining an erection (just to name a few). Finally, many men lose interest in sex for the same reason many women do: unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt that make the idea of making love not very appealing.

If you suspect that biology or personal issues may play a part in your husband's lack of interest in sex, he should start with a visit to a doctor or a therapist. But even if he refuses to get help, there's a lot you can do to change the "I'm hot, he's not" dynamic in your relationship.
There are no one-size-fits-all universal methods for boosting sexual desire. So don't get too bogged down trying to figure out the perfect place to start. Just start somewhere.

Sex Starter: Focus on the exceptions
I always ask couples, "What's different about the times the two of you are getting along better? What are each of you doing differently?" People are typically stymied. They simply haven't been paying much attention to problem-free times — or if they notice good times, they assume the good times are flukes. But good times don't just happen. When things are going better, it's because at least one partner is doing something differently.
Jeff had become less and less interested in sex. When I asked his wife, Zoe, what had changed, she told me that before they had kids, sex was more spontaneous. Now they had to have planned sex dates, and that was a turnoff for Jeff. Then she said, "The only other thing I can think of is that in the past, I said dirty things when we had sex. I sent him e-mails with erotic messages. I stopped because I've been mad about his lack of interest in me sexually. Now that I think about it, he really used to get fired up when I talked dirty."
It became clear that by doing two simple things, Zoe could help heat up their sex life again. First, she could find ways to introduce spontaneity into their lovemaking. Without telling Jeff, she got her kids invited for sleepovers at friends' houses. When he came home, she seduced him with lingerie and a sexy video. Zoe also used her surefire passion-building technique of the past: talking dirty. Once she realized how well the old trick worked, it was easy to put aside her resentment for the sake of her sexual satisfaction.

Sex Starter: Stop doing more of the same
When there's a problem in life, we generally try to fix it. And if what we do doesn't work, instead of saying to ourselves, "That didn't work — time to do something different," we usually think, That didn't work; guess I didn't do it with enough determination or insist on it loudly enough. I'll need to try again. And guess what happens when you do more of what hasn't been working? If you're thinking, Things stay the same, you're wrong. Things do not stay the same; they get worse.
When you started to notice that your husband was withdrawing sexually, you probably did what any logical woman would do — you talked to him about it. Perhaps he was even receptive to your discussion at first. When his receptivity didn't translate into his becoming more amorous, however, you probably concluded that it was time for more talk. This time you noticed that he seemed less patient and not nearly as receptive. In fact, he seemed rather annoyed. What was supposed to be a heart-to-heart ended up as an argument.
As you try again and again, you may think you're trying something new — bringing up the topic at a different time of day, for example, or finding a new way into it, with humor or pleading. So you may not even realize that you're doing more of the same. How can you tell? It's simple: You hit the same dead ends over and over. And the harder you try, the worse things seem to get.
Talking is a classic more-of-the-same behavior women fall into, but your actions can be more of the same too. You may be taking what seems like the most logical approach — dressing up in sexy lingerie to turn on your guy, for example — but failing to realize when it's not working. So if seeing you in a slinky nightie makes your low-libido husband feel pressured, then slipping into one again and again will only make him feel even more anxious.
Still having difficulty recognizing your go-nowhere strategies? Ask yourself this (and try not to be defensive!): What would your husband say you do that drives him nuts in regard to this problem?

Sex Starter: Do something different
In relationships, we are often on automatic pilot. Our interactions are so routine that we barely have to think about what we do or say. When, out of the blue, something entirely different occurs, it gets our attention. We're startled and realize we must respond in a new way.
Brenda and Ed, a two-career couple with busy schedules, generally had sex on weekends. This worked out fine for them — until they started fighting about money every Friday night. Because their weekend began with an argument, the next two days were always miserable and sexless. This went on for two months.
Then one Friday night, when Ed initiated the usual conversation about money, Brenda listened patiently to his points and instead of disagreeing vehemently — her usual tactic — she said, "I really hear your point, but I'm a little tired and would prefer waiting until Sunday to discuss this. Is that okay with you?" Surprised by her different response, Ed simply responded, "Okay, whatever."
That night Ed and Brenda went out to dinner and had a good time. On Saturday, they went to a movie and again had fun together. Because things were clicking, Brenda made a move sexually, and Ed responded. It was the first time in over two months that they had made love. By Sunday, they were feeling better about each other than they had for a long time. A simple change in Brenda's behavior changed the pattern that had kept them apart.
Figuring out what to do differently isn't as difficult as you might suspect. Just remind yourself of your more-of-the-same behavior and promise yourself that you are going to do something different, no matter how weird or crazy it may seem. You might not see the results instantaneously; you may have to wait a day or two, or more. Be patient, keep your eyes open, and look for small signs of change.

Sex Starter: Use the seesaw effect
It's a fact: The more you do a certain task or act a certain way, the less your husband will do it, and vice versa. This seesaw effect applies to all areas of relationships. For example, if your husband handles every aspect of finances in your family, chances are that you rarely think about money. If you are the emotional one in your relationship, it's likely that your husband keeps his feelings to himself. We tend to counterbalance one another. It's just human nature.
Let's take this seesaw analogy a step further. In many relationships, couples start out on equal footing when it comes to sexual desire. Then one person becomes tired, overwhelmed, preoccupied, or busy. This new behavior prompts his or her partner to double up efforts to keep their sex life on track. When those efforts are met with rejection, all of a sudden sex becomes the center of the universe for the sex-starved partner. And the more the sex-starved partner shines a light on sex, the less sex the lower-desire spouse wants.
If you're the only one putting energy into rekindling your sex life, your husband has come to expect that. He knows you'll take the lead. If you want him to be more involved sexually, you need to experiment with stepping back and letting him notice you're not pursuing him. This technique helps you break out of your rut by giving him a chance to pursue you without feeling pressured.
For years, Annie and her husband, Bill, behaved in a predictable pattern. Annie would approach Bill for sex, he would decline, she would get angry, and then a couple of days later, he would approach her. The problem was, Annie felt that he was initiating sex only out of a sense of obligation — and that when they did make love, his heart really wasn't in it. Yet because Annie believed that the "I approach him, he rejects me, I get angry, he approaches me, we have sex" pattern was the only way they would end up being sexual, she continued to do what she'd always done, even though the sex was never truly satisfying.
After learning about the seesaw effect, Annie decided to try something new. As usual, she initiated sex with Bill, and he turned her down. As she predicted, two days passed. Then one night as he sat next to her on the couch, he began to rub her thighs. Instead of responding sexually, she told him she was not in the mood. Thinking she was joking, Bill continued to touch her. Eventually Annie asked him to stop and said, "Look, I'm really not into this right now. I don't know why, but maybe some other time." Bill stopped, stunned. He asked her if everything was okay, and she said, "Yes, absolutely. I'm just not feeling too sexual right now."
The next day, Bill sent Annie an e-mail with sexual undertones — something he had done early in their marriage but not for many years. Annie was tempted to respond in kind, but held back. After turning down a few more of Bill's sexual advances, Annie finally "gave in," and they made love. The wait really boosted Bill's enthusiasm for sex. "He seemed much more into it," Annie said. Rather than simply going through the motions, she felt connected and very turned on because of his increased passion. Annie wasn't quite sure why her holding back made a difference to Bill, but it did. It wasn't easy for her; she worried that if she resisted him, he would become even more low-key sexually, but just the opposite happened.
Like Annie, you too might worry that a new approach could backfire. It's scary to break free of old patterns, but you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So put your fears aside and give yourself permission to be creative. And know this: By working to create more love, connection, sexuality, sensuality, and affection, you've shown yourself to be a woman who fights for what's important in life and love.

Behind Closed Doors
REDBOOK and Michele Weiner Davis teamed up to ask women about their husbands' sexual desire. Here's what we learned:

• 60 percent of the more than 1,000 women we surveyed said that they were as interested in sex as their husbands — or more so.
• How often you have sex is determined by how often the lower-desire partner wants it — whether that's the man or the woman.
• Although 95 percent of higher-desire women are either somewhat bothered by the desire gap or consider it to be a serious problem, 56 percent believe that their husbands aren't bothered by it at all.
• According to their wives, men's low sexual desire is caused by erectile dysfunction only 11 percent of the time. The most common causes are personal.