14 Things to Remember Before You Cheat

1. When presented with the ideal cheating scenario—that is, if a flying saucer lands in the cornfield where you happen to be standing and a female alien of sinus-clearing hotness slithers down the ramp and declares that she wants to come in peace a minimum of four times in the next hour, and you take her up on it because you know no one will ever find out—no one must ever find out.

2. Someone will always find out.

3. If you get caught, the law is on your wife's side. And you won't lose just half of your stuff. The other half—the golf clubs, the surround sound, the Armani—will be destroyed in a spectacular driveway bonfire as every angry woman you know toasts marshmallows shaped like your testicles.

4. And if you're not married? Your longtime girl is bound by no law.

5. Yes, traveling for busines is lonely. Phone home for a bicoastal quickie.

6. Or, to paraphrase Neil Simon, do to yourself what you would otherwise do unto others.

7. If a woman who knows you're spoken for comes on to you, it's flattering. It's tempting. But remember that she's doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt for both your male weakness and your mate's existence. That should really piss you off.

8. According to the Shari'ah, the laws of ancient Islam, adulterers must be stoned to death. Before you say, "Dude, cool," we mean with rocks. In these parts, that's what will happen to your good name. Friends you made while you were a couple will disappear. Friends you had as a single guy are long gone. That leaves you with the hard drinkers.

9. You're about to be with the kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman.

10. Channel all temptation toward the girl you left at home. Example: When out for a night with the boys, go to Hooters, not a strip club or roadhouse. Hooters girls are the unsung heroines of relationship therapy—gorgeous, chatty, and so untouchable that you always go home hungry. Your gal has no idea her sex life will improve tenfold when you get there.

11. At the office party, pretend the coworker who's flirting with you has gonorrhea.

12. "I'm famous for all the wrong reasons." —Joey Buttafuoco

13. If your ex calls, enjoy a pleasant 5-minute conversation. Then tell her your wife's on the other line.

14. Treat your temptation as a cage match. Defeating that treacherous organ between your legs is the ultimate triumph of man over nature. It's you versus your penis. He's up for the challenge. Are you?