Top 10: Things She Doesn't Want To Hear About Your Ex

We'll admit it: We're nosy bitches. But just because we start prying into your past doesn't mean we really want to know that much about your ex. Ignorance is bliss sometimes, so check out the 10 things we don't want to hear you say about a past girlfriend.

1: "She was wild and crazy... if you know what I mean."
A guy who says this is either soft in the head or playing some sort of game that ultimately makes him the loser. Never -- ever! -- tell a woman about your naughty escapades. Not only does it make us cringe to think about you naked with another girl, but we view you as less gentlemanly for being a kiss-and-teller. All manner of specifics with regard to your past sexcapades fall into the category of things she doesn't want to hear about your ex.

2: "She used to model," or "She was a butterface."
How we feel about the attractiveness of your ex is a delicate balance: If we find out she was fugly, we wonder why you couldn't get a hotter chick until now. If you admit she was gorgeous, it makes us insecure about how we stack up. The best possible way to describe how attractive an ex was is to shrug your shoulders and say, "She was OK." The indifference satisfies us (at least until we stalk your old Facebook photos).

3: "She won Best Personality in high school. Actually, we were voted Cutest Couple too."
Vomit much? FYI: I have the best personality of any girl you've ever dated and we are the cutest couple to have ever graced the planet. Please reread the above sentence 10 times over as your penance for revealing that barf-worthy information.

4: "She worked in a lingerie store."
Oh, and did she get a 40% discount too? Greeeaat. While most women have their own set of silky and sassy undergarments, the idea of your ex having an entire stash of lingerie is pretty intimidating. We want to feel special in that little number we bought just for you -- and we don’t want to think about how you've seen a girl all Victoria Secret-ed out a hundred times before us.

5: "She's fluent in four languages and is working on her second book. I don't know how she does it all."
Spare us. Here we thought our monthly Book Club made us culturally interesting. Any time we hear about another woman who can do it all (and is a smarty to boot!), it makes us question our own successes and worldly attributes. Like, good for your ex, and we really do mean it. But when all of a sudden our schedule is too packed to hang out with you because we've also decided to conquer the world, blame yourself for lighting that little fire under our ass.

6: "My parents loved her."
Did someone just toothpaste-squeeze our stomachs? Because ughhh. Establishing good rapport with our guy's parents is one of the most nerve-racking things for a woman. We already get jitters wondering how much your family actually likes us, and that's without knowing that they're secretly comparing us to your beloved ex-gf. If you really want to kill us quickly, just tell us about how your parents and ex still e-mail every day too.

7: "She pretty much broke my heart."
We don't know who came up with the myth that women love a heartbroken man, because we certainly don't. We squirm at this phrase because of the personal baggage it implies. If your ex shattered you, then we can't help but wonder how much you still dwell on the past and if you have any issues (like a fear of commitment) just waiting to come out. Everyone has experienced painful moments in relationships, and we understand that. But we're not still moping about our former failures, and neither should you.

8: "She was a stripper."
This makes us want to sprint to the gyno. An ingrown hair? No, it must be herpes! The paranoia that comes with knowing your ex didn't keep her body private can be pretty intense. Plus, who the hell dates a stripper? You skeeze!

9: "We took amazing vacations together."
Even the sanest, most logical chick will get a little jealous if she hears that you and your ex went skydiving in New Zealand, hiked the Inca Trail in Peru, or just ordered frosty pina coladas on a Florida beach for three straight days. We like to think that the experiences we have together are brand new and exciting, and that you've never been anywhere with any other female. Hearing about how much fun you used to have with your ex just bums us out.

10: "My ex did it this way."
Please excuse us while we get a butter knife to saw off your balls. You can tell us if we're doing it right.