7 Rules Of Negotiating With Your Ex After A Divorce

It’s happened. Game over.
The relationship is ending (supposedly) in divorce. But, it is necessary to tie up the loose ends during the divorce process and, if there are children involved, certain parts of the relationship are never really over.
The following guidelines assume that you and your partner are moving forward with the divorce process, or that you must remain in contact with your ex afterwards for reasons pertaining to the children.
According to attorney Erik Carter of Cordell & Cordell, PC, a firm dealing exclusively with divorce, there are a set of points you should consider when you must negotiate with your ex or soon-to-be-ex.
Of course there is much to be said for basing a relationship upon trust, but let’s face it, if the relationship is in the throws of a divorce or post divorce, trust is probably a factor that is on some level questionable. During the divorce process the stakes are high regarding what each party will walk away with and care must be taken not to cross into territory that could put either party in a position to lose what is most important to them. If this advice suggests materialism, consider the “non-material” elements that are potentially up for grabs such as access to your children, your finances, and your freedom to make unhindered decisions for the rest of your life.
The rules that follow are a method for navigating the perilous waters of the divorce process, a process governed by the letter of the law and attention to detail.
1. Get it in writingCarter stresses that any verbal agreements regarding anything from child-care arrangements to whether or not a piece of real-estate can be sold should be put down on paper.
2. Assume that each agreement is a possible violation waiting to happenCarter advises that one way to keep yourself clear of violating a court order is to imagine how your proposed action could be viewed in a negative light. “One way to look at this is to question whether you are being set up, but another way is that you are simply analyzing your actions to see if there is any way that it could go against the spirit of your court orders. If you see a glimmer of how it might, don’t do it.”
3. Pay attention to detailsDoes the “daycare” that you are expected to pay for refer to a licensed daycare provider or her boyfriend?
4. Get something for everything you giveThis holds true especially during the divorce process. “Rarely,” says Carter. “Will you get something for free.” Look for the strings now rather than later.
5. Consider the consequences for each of you if the agreement is violatedWhen agreements are crafted consequences should be listed if the agreement is not followed. If your ex won’t agree to a consequence her sincerity about keeping her part of the agreement should be questioned.
6. Anticipate changeIf your agreement states that you will pick up the children after school on Friday, what happens in the summer? It may seem ridiculous to nitpick these agreements when you are making them, but from the perspective of a family-law attorney, these can become hotly-contested issues down the road.
7. Pay attention to outside interpretations of your requestsIt is a stereotype, but one that is widely held that while one parent is concerned for the children, the other is concerned for the finances. Be sure that you spell out why you are requesting marital property, or more parenting time, not just what you want. Leave no doubt as to your motives.