When parents won't let go

You've left the family nest, but when are they going to treat you like an adult? We look at how to cope when your folks are just too in-your-face.
The scenario
For some, leaving home doesn't mark the beginning of an independent life. It's more like an escape bid that never really comes off. From unexpected calls to unwanted guidance and guilt trips, some parents really know how to make life a misery. They probably don't mean it, of course, but if it's becoming a problem then it needs to be sorted.
Often, a good starting point is to identify how they're doing your head in, and why. So, here's how they misbehave according to type:

• Parental problem 1: Disapproval

No family agrees on everything. In many ways, a difference of opinion is a healthy thing, especially between you and a parent. It can promote a constructive debate, or highlight individual strengths. As long as it's conducted with respect and sensitivity, then your relationship is likely to thrive. In many cases, however, one parent's values can be so rigid that anything you say or do can be met with pursed lips and a heavy silence. I had the most beautiful furniture in my bedroom," says Zella, 20, whose parents expressed their disapproval more directly. Admittedly it was bondage stuff, a whipping post and a bondage chair, but they just couldn't handle it and leapt to all kinds of conclusions."
Solution
It doesn't matter how many times you tell them that you can make responsible decisions for yourself, you can't beat showing them. It might mean toughing it out while you prove that you know what you're doing, but ultimately your welfare is what drives them to have their say. If they can see you're in control of your life, they should begin to leave you alone.

• Parental problem 2: Emotional blackmail

A parent's love is unconditional. Unless, that is, you're not co-operating when it comes to bending to their will. The 'family loyalty' card is very easy to play, and we've all been guilty of it in some shape or form, so try not to see red. You might be faced with a sense that you've let them down, or a constant trickle of repeat requests that can't fail to wear you down.
Solution
There's nothing more irritating than knowing you're being manipulated. Yes, you do need to stand up to it. The key is to do so without escalating the problem. In this situation, it's often best to agree to whatever you're being asked to do, but then raise the bigger issue at a time when you're both calm and collected. If you can avoid the problem, you'll get results.

• Parental problem 3: Favouritism

It's easy to say that parents love their children equally, but the fact is such love can be displayed in ways that leave you feeling overshadowed. It might be a form of emotional blackmail, in order to get you to comply, but it can also eat into other aspects of your life.
Solution
You might find the best person to approach about this isn't the offending parent, but the sibling who's earned their special attention. If they aren't already aware of what's happening, hopefully you'll get their support and understanding. You're adults, after all. What's more, a quiet word from them could well wake up your mum or dad to the fact that you don't deserve this kind of treatment.

• Parental problem 4: Sulking

The first time I said I had other plans for Christmas," recalls Lise, 22, Mum's voice just went shrill and I knew I had messed up. She wouldn't admit it was a problem, but it left me feeling really guilty."
Solution
Be big about this. Swallow your pride and talk the issue through with them - preferably face-to-face. Don't feel obliged to apologise for something you're not sorry about, but ask them to look at the bigger picture. The last thing that either of you want is to allow a small fallout to grow into a long-term stand off in which you're effectively divorced from your parents.

• Parental problem 5: Phone bothering

Only you can say how often you like to stay in touch with a parent. It might be every day, once a week or less than that. What matters is that you're both happy with the frequency, and know a good time to call. For example, not before the alarm clock goes off, or half a dozen times in the same evening.
Solution
If you've made it clear that calling in the morning or at work is not good for you, consider letting your answer machine shield all calls for a while. They'll soon get the (unspoken) message. Alternatively, for repeat offenders, make the effort to call them at a convenient time during the day, and cover every subject then. If they're in the habit of ringing back straight away, don't pick up the phone. It may be blunt, but you need boundaries.