Nov 28, 2008

Signs of a Husband That Wants a Divorce

I recently received an email from a woman who said she was feeling severe distance from her husband. She asked me to tell her the "signs" that would warn her that her husband wanted a divorce. I answered by explaining that while I could give her some common behaviors that men exhibit when they "check out of a marriage," all men are different and all men have a different level of personal commitment. What would be unbearable to one man and warrant a divorce may be seen as just something to work on for another. With that said, in this article, I will discuss warning signs that a husband often gives off or exhibits when he has emotionally checked out of your marriage. Whether this means he wants a divorce or not, will depend upon your husband's level of commitment. Then, I will tell you how to respond to these warning signs to repair or save the marriage or make it stronger.

  • Warning Sign Number One: Communication / Conversations Are Shorter And Less Frequent:

Emotionally exiting a marriage is probably one of the more deadly precursors to divorce. One very noticeable symptom of this is the break down of intimate, meaningful conversation. You'll notice that the length of phone calls or talks are shorter and that you generally talk about passive, small talk type topics. Less flirting or light hearted exchanges take place.

You spend less time discussing your feelings, hopes, and dreams and fill your discussions with only the things that need to be discussed or negotiated at the present time.
Of course, marriage is full of things you have to talk about with respect to running a household and for some, raising children, but a red flag should go up if that's all you are talking about.

  • Marriage Problem Signal Number Two: You're Spending Less Time Together:

This usually happens so gradually it can be hard to notice or appreciate the full impact of it. But, when significant distance in a marriage is brewing, often people will subconsciously set up being too busy or having too many obligations to fully engage with their wives on a regular basis. Going out just to spend time together or have fun together will become less and less frequent. And, when these things do occur, the atmosphere seems strained, rather than being light hearted and fun.

  • Big Tip Off Number Three: A Noticeable And Repetitive Lack Of Intimacy:

I'm not just talking about sex here, although this can be a big tip off. You'll likely also notice less hand holding, less thoughtful, intimate stares and gestures, less light hearted hugs, or less thoughtful gestures meant just because or to show you that your husband loves you. Almost always, sex is less frequent or intense as well.

Now, of course there are times when you have obligations and stressful periods where intimacy takes a back seat. But married couples who are deeply in love and very much committed to their marriage find a way to make the time for intimacy as often as they can.

  • What To Do If You're Seeing Any Of These Signs That Convince You That Your Husband May Want A Divorce:

The best thing to do if you suspect that there is a significant distance in your marriage or if your husband is not as happy in it as you'd like him to be, is to put these feelings on the table. It's better to bring these feelings into the light than to leave them in the dark and hope they'll just go away. Tell your husband you've noticed a distance and you want to work on making it better. Ask for his input as to how you can make this happen. Educate yourself on methods you can use to make your marriage stronger.

  • If You're Husband Has Or Will Ask For A Divorce Or You Think It Is Too Late:

The truth is, it's never too late. And if you are feeling (even slightly) that your husband is unsure about the marriage and wants a divorce, then something is off, whether your suspicions are completely accurate or not. Use this as a wake up call to take action.
And, if you think about it, you already know how a happy relationship with your husband feels. I'd be willing to bet that when you were first dating, both of you lavished a great deal of attention, affection and time upon each other. The result was likely very strong feelings of love, affection, satisfaction, and commitment.

When people are deeply in love, it greatly affects how they feel about themselves. They feel attractive, confident, intelligent, and on top of the world.
Of course, our obligations get in the way of this eventually. We have to turn our attention to our jobs, children, aging parents, responsibilities, etc. This is understandable and every one does it. But, making a committed attempt to being conscious of the cues and signs going on in your marriage can greatly help with this and prompt you to invest more time in it.

It's important to understand that a husband (and a wife too for that matter) who is getting his needs meet and experiencing the positive feelings about themselves that I mentioned earlier is going to be a lot more committed to staying in the marriage and to making it work because the feelings it elicits are positive and pleasurable. Your job then, is to return the positive feelings to your marriage without being entirely obvious about it. This will in turn return the commitment, affection, and empathy that are needed for a happy marriage.

If your husband is extremely distant and not receptive to you, you'll have to move more slowly and take tinier baby steps, but the process is the same and is never impossible. It's never too late, too hard, or too inconvenient to save your marriage. You already laid the foundation when you were dating. If you play your cards right, you can reestablish these behaviors to jump start your marriage and return the positive feelings that will make it reciprocal on both sides.


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1 comments: on "Signs of a Husband That Wants a Divorce"

Contributing Author said...

Excellent warning signs to be on the lookout for, as men are much less likely to communicate their feelings of discontent than women are.

A woman I know in my town was recently noticing some of the same problems in her relationship and ultimately, she and her husband ended up in divorce mediation in Arizona, the process of which was so easy and open that they eventually worked out their differences and are still together.