Regardless of who broke up with whom, there are many reasons an ex may suddenly reappear on your radar screen. Jealousy, depression and pregnancy lead the list of reasons reconciliation may be considered. These aren’t exactly the healthiest scenarios to resume your relationship. There must be a more compelling reason than these to pursue a relationship with your ex.
Before you wave the white flag, examine why you want to get back together. Think about the reasons your relationship faltered. Was she dishonest or cheating on you? If the answer is yes, ask yourself why you would want to settle for someone who had an affair. Aside from always having to keep your guard up, you are putting yourself at risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Many people who have affairs don’t stop having them – they are simply better at concealing them over time. If you are ready to forgive and forget her behavior, wait at least six months before jumping back into the relationship. It will give her an opportunity to think about the consequences for cheating and may help you see the relationship more objectively. It may reduce the likelihood she repeats this behavior on your watch. Of course, you first may need to pry her from the arms of her current boyfriend to get her attention.
On the other hand, maybe you were the transgressor in your relationship and have seen the errors of your ways. If you cheated on your ex and would like to reconcile, think about the reasons you strayed. You are going to need to prove to her you have addressed whatever problem you had that made you seek comfort outside of your relationship. Be honest. It is unfair to both of you if you are disingenuous about your intention to be faithful in the future. Time is the only way to regain trust. Rather than asking her to resume your relationship, start rebuilding your credibility with her. If you make a lunch date, show up on time. When she is sick, send her a get-well card. These small steps prove you are a man she can count on. Once she seems to have warmed up to you, ask her what doubts she has about you. Ask her what you can do to help eradicate any leftover malevolent feelings. Take your direction from her.
Sometimes there aren’t any hard feelings at all – you simply grew apart. These relationships tend to not be as emotionally charged as those where someone has had an affair. Ask yourself why the relationship fizzled out. Maybe you were pursuing separate interests or your schedules didn’t afford you much time together. Perhaps there wasn’t much chemistry. The former problems are much easier to fix than the latter. If you find yourself missing your ex-girlfriend’s companionship and you had reasonable chemistry, start making time for her. Adjust your schedule. Suggest events that cater to her interests or a favorite hobby. Even if you don’t enjoy the activity, remember it is your ticket to reconnecting with her and you won’t have to do this regularly.
Steer clear of your ex-girlfriend if she is expressing an interest in you after learning you are seeing someone new. These histrionics will not allow you to settle in and have a healthy, comfortable relationship. Conversely don’t pursue your ex-girlfriend solely because you can’t stand to see her with someone else. Resist the urge to ask her out again if your true motivation is to keep her from another man.
Pregnancy is a sticky situation. Unfortunately some women invent a pregnancy to weasel their way back into a relationship that would otherwise be over. There are two separate issues here you need to address: is she truly pregnant and is the baby yours? A home pregnancy test is not always reliable. If she is professing her pregnancy and naming you as the father, don’t voice any doubts. Make an appointment and meet her at her doctor’s office for a blood serum test. If you suspect she would make up a phantom pregnancy in an effort to win you back, don’t risk your personal safety by driving her to the appointment alone. Meet her there or bring another (preferably male) friend along.
If she isn’t pregnant avoid any contact with her. Consider a restraining order if she persists after you have cut off all contact with her. A positive pregnancy test is another matter. Honestly assess the likelihood of another man fathering her baby. Even if you doubt she was with anyone else, insist on a paternity test. You can do this without making any waves if you are on the baby’s birth certificate. The sooner you challenge the baby’s paternity, the less likely you are to be stuck paying for the child’s needs for the next 20 years.
You will evaluate your personal values for guiding your decision to resume a relationship with your ex-girlfriend on account of her pregnancy. Do you feel morally obligated to marry her for the sake of the baby? Will you be comfortable with the possibility another man may be raising your child? The answers to these questions lie within you and no one else can answer them for you.
Don’t ever resume a relationship – for any reason – if she is physically or verbally abusive. These traits tend to worsen over time and seldom improve. Oftentimes there is an underlying problem of alcohol or drug addiction or mental illness. Wait until she has undergone treatment for her problems before considering inviting her back into your life. Keep in mind it takes at least two years without incident before you can consider her tendencies managed.
Dating an ex-girlfriend can be an affirmation of the wonderful things that made your relationship work the first time around. Maybe some time apart can enable you to appreciate even her quirks. Good luck!
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