What to Do When Your Step Kids Disrespect You

Over the years, many parents in blended families have come to me to talk about the subject of disrespect. In some cases, their step kids didn't respect them, and in others, their biological child did not respect their new spouse. The truth is a child may never respect his stepparent, but he does have to know that he can't get away with being rude or obnoxious to them. The only way to achieve the desired behavior is to be certain you and your spouse are united in making sure that your kids treat you with respect.

Lay Down the Ground Rules from the Start
If you haven't done so already, sit down with the kids in your blended family and lay out some ground rules. Start by saying, "In our family now, this is what a parent is." And, "In our family now, these are the expectations on every child." I recommend that you tell your step kids from the beginning, "You don't have to call me Mommy, but you have to be respectful and follow my directions." And both adults need to do this with all the children in the family.

What if Your Step kids Disrespect You?
Naturally, stepparents become very upset when their stepchildren are disrespectful to them. I've had parents come to me in difficult situations where the kids were really being rude or obnoxious, saying things like, "You're not my father, I don't have to listen to you!" Let me be clear: parents have to be careful, because once that kind of behavior gets entrenched, it's very difficult to stop. By being rude, kids protect themselves-and they train adults what not to ask of them and what not to expect of them.
The answer here is that you and your partner have to decide ahead of time how the kids in the family will talk to each parent. You set the expectations together, and then you remain consistent; you hold each child accountable.
Here's an example. If one of your step kids says, "You're not my mom; I don't have to do what you say!" You can say, "No, I'm not your mother, but you have to do your homework anyway." Or, "We're not talking about me being your father. We're talking about when you're going to start your homework."
Now, the consequences for that kind of behavior should be swift and clear. The kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their cell phone privileges for the rest of the night, for example. In other words, there should be no tolerance for that kind of disrespect. When it comes down to it, both adults work hard for the family, both adults are struggling, both adults are making sacrifices-so the rule is that the kids have to treat them both with respect. They don't have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, but they have to be respectful.

Don't try to read your stepchild's mind
Know that as a parent or stepparent, you cannot read your stepchild's mind. In other words, if this child doesn't like you telling him what to do but he does it anyway, don't challenge him on what he's thinking. Don't worry if he's giving you "that look." When you tell him to go do his chores, if he does them whether he likes it or not, that should be enough. So, don't try to read kids' minds to determine if they really don't want to do something, or if they really don't like you. You have to let that go until everybody gets to know each other.
Here's the bottom line: if you carry yourself with respect, kids will find things to like about you. This is because kids want to like people that they respect. Know that he or she may never get over the loss of his mother or father, or that of his original family. But there's nothing you as a stepparent can do about that besides accept it and avoid getting into fights about it.

When You're Parenting, They're All Your Kids
Some parents wonder how they can be fair while still maintaining the trust of their biological child. Know that it's natural to feel a stronger connection to your own child, a special love for and commitment to them.
But in a blended family, you have to keep those thoughts in a separate compartment from parenting. Understand that when you're parenting, they're all your kids. And believe me, they're all watching the way you behave yourself, the kind of role model you are, and the kinds of things you do. So when the kids are acting out and the television is taken away for the evening as a consequence, it's not taken from the biological kids or the non-biological kids-you don't get into those distinctions. It's taken away from all the kids. And so it also becomes, "When we're going to the zoo, we're all going to the zoo-the whole family." Or "When we're watching a movie, we're all watching a movie."
You'll always feel that special connection with your biological child, don't get me wrong. But part of the thing that you'll struggle with, sometimes every day, is that you have to treat these kids the same. Don't worry that you will lose that connection with your biological kid by doing so-that will never happen. There may be anger, there may be disappointment, there may be separation, but that connection is there by nature.

When Your Child Challenges You
Often in blended families, it's very common for the biological kids to challenge their birth parents. They'll accuse them of being unfair, or say things like, "You're treating them better than me." Or, "He treats his kids better than you treat us." And you might also hear, "He treats his kids better than he treats us." And parents have to work very closely together to solve those problems.
When your child comes to you and says something unfair happened, the kind of question you have to ask is, "If I was there, what would I have seen?" So, let's say your child says, "Today she treated her kids better than us." The question you have to ask is not, "How did you feel," or "What happened," because those things get distorted. Rather, parents should be asking the investigative question: "If I was there, what would I have seen?"
Let's say the answer is, "You would have seen her give three cookies to her kids and two cookies to us." That's something they can see, not what they felt. So find out what they saw, what they heard, what was done. That's the most effective way to investigate these kinds of statements. That's also one of my key questions when parents tell me their kids are acting out at home. One of the things I used to ask them in my office was, "If I was there, what would I have seen?" And then they'll say, "You'd have seen my son punching a hole in the wall and threatening his sister and calling his brother names." I want to know what I would have seen there because that's how I can investigate what they need to do differently.
So again, you're asking for facts now. It's the parent's job to say, "Okay, I'll look into it," and then talk to the other parent in private.

Structure Time to Do Things Together: Establish a "Family Day"
If you want to come together as a family, I think you have to make rules about doing things together. So you can make the rule, "On Wednesday nights we all watch a video." This rule is in place whether the kids like it or not. Let them know that if they refuse to watch the video, then they will lose their electronics for the rest of the night. But the deal is, "We all watch a video. We all go to the zoo. We all go to the beach. We all go to the park." Don't overdo it, especially with teenagers. But doing one activity as a family per week, not including church, can be helpful in this kind of situation. Sit together in the living room eating popcorn and watching a DVD. Or go to the park together, go to the beach and find seashells. Whatever it is, find one thing a week to do together.
By the way, I say don't overdo it with teens because developmentally, their job is to start to break away. So we just want them to participate without being abusive, disrespectful or nasty. If one of your kids is 17 and doesn't want to go along, let them bring a friend. But the rule is, "You're going with us."
Instituting a family day gives kids the message that "This is important to us, and it's so important we're going to make it happen." They learn that you do things as a family and that you respect each other when you're doing them. With younger kids, having a night where you just play board games is really fun. Older kids may resist it at first, but younger kids will love it. If you start when they're small, that becomes part of their expectations for family night-and it also becomes their way of understanding how families operate.

Empower the Children in Your Family to Express Themselves
One last word about kids: children have to be empowered to express what they feel and think, and those thoughts and feelings have to be accepted at face value. When two adults decide to blend their families, kids have no choice. They can feel powerless, threatened and overwhelmed. The idea is to give them appropriate ways to express themselves so they don't have to act out their feelings behaviorally. This doesn't mean they get to make decisions about how the family will run, but they should certainly have input in an appropriate way.
This input is usually best received by the child's birth parent. If you try to do a family meeting without getting the input first, it's very likely that people will get defensive or feel threatened. But if birth parents can talk to their kids about their concerns, it is much easier to work them out, and it's much easier for the two adults to come to an agreement. So the idea is not to squelch kids, the idea is to set up a situation where they can express their feelings safely and appropriately.
Remember, no rule or situation has to last forever. Before you put any new plan into place, I recommend that you sit down with your kids and ask these questions:
How will we know this is working?
How will we know something isn't working?
What will we do if something works?
What will we do if something doesn't work?
If you analyze the decisions you make this way, you'll always have the ability to measure if you're accomplishing what you sought to do, as well as change what you're doing if necessary.

One of the key things that a blended family needs is two adults who are mature; you've really got to grow up as a parent. It's hard to see your stepchild when they come back from a holiday with their other set of parents, and they have better presents than you gave them, or when they're bragging about the things they did together-or when they're sad about the things they used to do before their original family split up. But you've got to be able to handle that. Without a doubt you may have feelings about it, but you have to have mature ways of dealing with those emotions. So, if you're hurt or frustrated-and it's normal and human to be hurt, frustrated and confused in this situation-you need to be able to talk to your partner or call your friends. If you need professional help, go to a counselor. The main thing is, you need to be able to work toward accepting the situation and not trying to control it. It's not that you shouldn't feel things-it's the way you deal with the things you feel that is important.

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8 Ways To Make Her Swoon

Aside from having a hot car and good looks, there are many things a man can do to make a woman flip for him. Many men feel as though they need to be puppy dogs to make women happy -- this is not the case. It is possible for you to maintain your identity and your masculinity, but still make your girl feel on top of the world. If you’ve just met a woman or are new to a relationship that you’d like to pursue, these tips will have her spinning and falling right into your arms.

1. Go the extra mile
If you really want to impress her, do more than she expects. Women tend to have very high standards for themselves, but lower ones for other people -- I hate to say it, but especially for men. If you think ahead and outdo her expectations, she’ll be thrilled and consider you her knight in shining armor. Every now and again, go out of your way for her in a big way. It’s good to be on time to meet her for a date; it’s even better if you show up a little early with flowers. It’s good to talk regularly; sometimes it’s better to call unexpectedly because you miss her. If you’re supposed to pick up dinner, get her a small gift “just because.” You get the idea.

2. Talk her up
When you’re around other people, the couple dynamic is often lost in the crowd. You both end up talking to different people, and it’s easy for either one of you to feel a bit deserted. If you’re around her friends and family, the best way to bring the dynamic back is to let them know how great she is.
Tell them how consistently she’s been working out, how organized she is or how well she does at work. It’s likely that they know, but they’ll love to heary know, but they’ll love to hear that you’re taking notice. Women don’t like to hear that their friend is with an unappreciative guy, and this will let them know you recognize exactly what you have. It will also make the two of you feel closer because you’ll be remembering all the things you like about her and she’ll feel fantastic about hearing you say them aloud.
Have her squealing to her friends about you...

3. Show her you’re smitten with her
For women, there is nothing as irresistible as being irresistible. Since men are not exactly known for wearing their hearts on their sleeves, women often have little indication of how things are going. This is one reason that being aloof doesn’t always bring the best results -- contrary to popular belief. If you show her how you feel, she’ll feel special and wanted, and in turn, she’s likely to feel the same way about you.
There are many ways to show your feelings, and they don’t necessarily have to include anything too mushy or feminine. Just be eager to see her, let her know if you were looking forward to a date or really enjoyed a previous one, and if you really like her, tell her you want your friends to meet her. Making her feel wanted is half the battle in making her keen on you -- it’s really that simple.

4. Include her in your life
It’s not necessary to have a girl around all the time in order to keep her in your life. It may sometimes seem like it, but you don’t have to give up boys’ nights and Monday Night Football in order to make her happy. You should, however, ensure that she’s involved in some of the more important elements of your life.
As previously mentioned, an introduction to your boys can mean the world to her, even if it’s just on a Tuesday pub night after work. If there’s something major going on in your life, confide in her. Even if you’re not ready to invite her along to your family Christmas dinner, a description of what it’s like might make her feel as though she’s in the loop. Also, show interest in her life, job and friends -- this is equally important in the process of making her feel crazy for you.

5. Be original
When relationships are new, they tend to follow a pattern of expected behaviors. If you deviate from the plan, think of something interesting to do, introduce her to new music or talk about new things. This way you will leave your mark on her. Most women have met men before you, and most women are not with those other men for a reason. If you show her what sets you apart from the others, she’ll more likely to be interested in finding out more about you. She’ll find these new things exciting and she’ll feel as though her life is enriched by being around you. Wrap her up in new things and she may just find you irresistible.
Is it true that funny guys always get the girls?

6. Have a sense of humor
This includes two things: making her laugh and being able to laugh at yourself. Don’t get me wrong on the first one; it does not mean telling knock-knock jokes during dinner. Rather, be relaxed and have fun without trying too hard -- wit is priceless in the dating world. The second area of humor is laughing at yourself; there’s nothing worse than a person who takes himself too seriously. If you slop on your shirt at dinner, don’t get stressed out and swear up a storm. Recognize your foibles and accept them. You’ll be much happier, and you’ll put her at ease.

7. Reassure her
This isn’t a newsflash, but women like to be complimented. This isn’t purely due to a sense of vanity on her part; it’s more about the need to know exactly where she stands in life and in her relationships. This is why women so often run around cooing at one another about looking great, losing weight or their fabulous accomplishments. Since women like to hear it, they indulge their fellow femmes with all the reassurance one could possibly stand.
Likewise, if you tell her that she looks great or that you continue to be pleasantly surprised by how ultimately cool she is, she’ll all at once get a confidence booster and feel more appreciative of you for saying so. In particular, if you know she’s feeling insecure about something, be sure to allay her fears. She’s surely deserving of the upcoming promotion, for instance, because she’s such a capable and hardworking employee. You’ll be her hero, and that’ll pay dividends in the end.

8. Be a good listener
Although this is widely promoted as a key feature that women seek out in men, it is never explained properly. As a result, many men don’t know whether or not they’re the fabled “great listener.” Being a good listener involves really caring about what comes out of her mouth, and as such, responding with questions or thoughtful comments -- but only when it’s appropriate.
If she’s telling you about a feud with her mother (which probably doesn’t top your list of interests), you don’t have to harp on the subject all night, but you should hear her main concerns and say the appropriate sympathetic things. It is not likely advisable, however, to give her advice on her dealings with mother. Rather, just let her know you feel bad that she feels bad. A few minutes spent consoling her will likely stick favorably in her mind.

turn on the charm
These suggestions run on two themes, one of which is making her feel like she’s a princess -- women often complain that they don’t get enough attention. However, do this without giving up your backbone; she’ll appreciate a confident and masculine man. The second theme is all about being interesting and fun. Both these things will make you the kind of man she waits by the phone for and tells her friends about.

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Habits Women Love

Men might think that women are complicated creatures who cry for no reason and make nonsensical complaints out of boredom. The truth of the matter is, however, that women aren’t that difficult to figure out at all. All they want is a little attention. So to avoid those nasty “You never do anything romantic” arguments, there are a few habits women love that you can adopt to get on her good side.
Adopt these habits women love and you’ll never hear her complain again.

Getting compliments
More than anything, a woman wants to be appreciated. Whether she’s a self-assured diva or a shy sweetheart, she wants to know that her assets and abilities are recognized. If you can make her feel special, rest assured that you’ve made a good start with her.
The only catch is, however, that your compliments must sound sincere. Telling her she looks fabulous in that outfit after she complains about looking fat counts for something, but it was coaxed out of you. Instead, make your compliment sound genuine by catching her off-guard with an impromptu “You’re beautiful” or “I love your cooking” and she’ll be putty in your hands.

Receiving phone calls
Maybe you call just to say hello or perhaps you keep her informed if your plans have changed, or if you’re going to be late. The point is you make an effort to bend an elbow and put a phone to your ear. Calling is important for the health of a relationship and is one of the many habits women love. We’re not talking about hour-long heart-to-hearts here; just short “hello” phone calls are all that’s necessary to appease your lady. Women tend to be communicative creatures, and they also like to be in the know. So, when you call and let her know what you're up to, it stops her from wondering -- and trust us, she’ll wonder -- about what you’re doing.

Being a priority
You have the choice on any given evening to spend a quiet night enjoying your lady and her -- ahem -- home cooking or to play poker with the guys. Tough call. Whether you realize it or not, women appreciate this conundrum. They know you ache to spend some bonding time with the guys, which is all the more reason why your girl appreciates it when you choose her instead. When you set aside all other plans just so you can see her lovely face, you make her feel special and important, and there’s no better way for a girl to feel.
The thing to remember about this habit is that in order to really put her first, you need to do it willingly. Although it may be killing you to miss out on some boy time, it’s key to the whole process that you give all your attention to her when you're together. Just enjoy yourself!


Getting attention
You know that old cliché that women like a good listener? Here’s a tip: Most clichés come from truth. Although sensitive, devoted, brooding men can be dreadfully boring, it really is great if you can listen to what she has to say and actually care about it. Great listening skills are essential in getting to know one another. Listen, ask questions and remember what she’s said. You’ll find out so much more about her that you’ll be hooked and only want to know more.
Paying attention doesn’t only apply to listening either. It’s all the better if you notice her haircut, that she looks upset or that she’s stressed out. Paying attention means that you care about what’s going on with her, and there’s no bigger compliment than that.

Being surprised
Any woman who’s been dating for some time probably thinks she has you figured out because most men tend to exhibit the same traits. So, when you surprise her with an unexpected gift or cool date, she’ll feel like she’s found somebody really special. She will probably feel refreshed and lucky to be around you. A women can also be surprised by many seemingly benign things, like a spontaneous phone call.
Surprising somebody can seem like a tough thing to do, but it’s really not that difficult. Many women don’t expect all that much from you, and can be all too forgiving of mediocrity. So, try going out of your way to do something special just for her.

get into the habit
The habits women love are those that are considerate of their feelings. If you can be the guy to make her feel respected, cared for and special, she’s bound to stick around.

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How to find a long-lost friend

Friendships from the past often rise from our memories to haunt us. All of a sudden, an old army buddy or school friend comes to mind. At that moment you would give just about anything to have a chat with that person.

But without a clue for finding the friend, we abandon the search, promising ourselves to give it a try another time.
The next time that happens, give some thought to experimenting with techniques like these to track down and renew a former acquaintance.

1. Check original sources. Start with the site of your initial relationship. If it occurred at work, get in touch with that employer to see if anyone there has a forwarding address. If the two of you or a small group of regulars frequented a favorite spot or two, stop by to see if anyone has heard from your old pal. Perhaps you had a link to the person's family. Call or email relatives of your old friend to inquire as to that person's whereabouts. Mutual friends might likewise know something that they can pass on to you.

2. Do an Internet search. Try a Google search using the person's first and last name. If the name is common, like "John Brown," you may want to add some qualifying words, such as the name of your friend's hometown, high school, or other identifying information. If you have particulars, like a social security number or license plate, add those to the mix. The Web is a wonderful place to track all kinds of people and things.

3. Place an ad. If you have reason to believe your buddy is still in the area, publish a classified ad in a friendly, low-key way:
"John Brown: Hey buddy--long time no see! Remember the one-oar boat? Get in touch with Larry Davis at post office box 24 in Sioux City or call me at 317-440-2676."
Do the same in special newsletters where you share a hobby or interest, like model airplanes or knitting.

4. Contact current local groups where your friend might have an interest or a connection. For example, if the two of you belonged to a writing group years ago from which you eventually drifted, get in touch with any new writing groups in town. Broaden your search to include reading groups, poets' circles, or related interests. You can visit some of the organizations and make discreet inquiries to see if someone has met your friend in another forum.

5. Visit online discussion boards and chat rooms. You may be able to find someone through "the friend of a friend" this way. Be careful not to give away too much information or anything of a personal nature, keeping inquiries low-key and confidential. Conversely, you can put up your own Website for any of several interests you might have, and perhaps your friend will one day find you!

Getting in touch with a former friend may seem like an impossible task. But when you get organized and make the rounds of possible connections, you might end up finding your long-lost soul mate!

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Is he cheating or are you too paranoid?

Couples with relationship issues may get past the financial, familial and personal quirks, but infidelity is tough to work out. The basic trust that forms a relationship has been broken, and repairing it is a long, difficult journey. If a woman suspects her husband is being unfaithful, is she correct, or just insecure, maybe even a little paranoid? There are many variables, so a wife or girlfriend needs to be careful before making the infidelity accusation. The very first thing a woman needs to do is to take off the blinders and honestly examine her relationship with her significant other. Have they grown apart? Is she so wrapped up in taking care of the kids that she has little time for her mate? Is he really the type who cheats? Is he trustworthy in general? Was he a playboy before he married? Had he been through other relationships that broke up because he cheated? Is she seeing definitive signs that there is another woman?

If the couple is married or living together and they share a credit card, a good first place to look is the credit card statements. Are charges appearing for restaurants the couple never visits, florists, clothing stores, or other unexplained charges that look like gifts?

Cell phone bills are another way of tracking infidelity. Are the same unfamiliar numbers showing up on the bill, for protracted calls, or for calls that correspond with a evening when the man worked late, or went out of town? Searching these numbers on the Internet may reveal the presence of another woman.

Some women say their men became indifferent to them sexually when he began an affair. Some say the sex got dramatically better. This may not be the best way to know if a man is cheating. However, if a woman turns up with a sexually transmitted disease and she hasn’t been unfaithful, that’s a pretty good indicator her man has been.

There are also the traditional “signs” a man is unfaithful: long work hours, frequent business trips, unfamiliar perfume on his clothes, unexplained sales receipts in his pockets, a strange woman calling the home. But these are not always foolproof, and men are becoming more intelligent about these tell-tale signs.

Have friends told her they have seen her husband out with the same woman on several occasions? Friends are usually somewhat more objective than either spouse, so if they feel something is fishy, it may well be.

If the finances are available, the best option to know for sure if a spouse is cheating is to hire a private detective. These people are skilled at finding things out, and usually will know fairly quickly if an affair is going on. However, a woman should be prepared to hear whatever information the detective has for her.

Another factor in this equation is the woman herself. Does she imagine her man panting after every woman who walks by? Is she prone to question him for every instance of aberrant behavior, sure that it signals infidelity? If she does, then she needs to go to counseling and straighten out her insecurity issues so she will be in a better position to judge if her partner really is cheating on her.

The cheating vs. paranoid question is a difficult one to answer. There are so many variables that depend on the character of the parties involved. The best answer is that most women are probably not paranoid, but should still be very cautious about bringing a false accusation. They should have incontrovertible proof before confronting the man. A woman might even be well advised to see a marriage therapist first, so she can discuss the disturbing issues with an objective third party and have a clearer view of what is happening in her relationship.

Infidelity shatters relationships — often irreparably. Women should be willing to make certain of their ground before they bring up the issue, and should seek marriage counseling regardless.

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